Growing up I was always the girl who couldn’t hang out with friends. I couldn’t go to high school sporting events. My friends often didn’t bother asking if I was available because most of the time, I wasn’t. I kept myself very involved my entire life, as I danced since age four. In later years, I also picked up cheerleading and theater. On top of that I was leading several high school clubs and organizing monthly events. Aside from the mandatory, I have always been involved with the arts, like drawing and writing. My life has always been go go go. For the most part, I didn’t mind being the busy friend, because I genuinely enjoyed everything I was a part of. These activities were my passion, even though they prevented me from having occasional fun.
There are a plethora of pros and cons to this lifestyle. I had the privilege of experiencing my passions and serving others. However, this busyness kept me from stillness, which is ultimately necessary. I have always struggled with anxiety disorder, and keeping busy placed a temporary bandage on feeling through my emotions. You can only stay distracted for so long, and growing up, I definitely faced the consequences of this.
Fast forward to freshman year of college, my life looks completely different. All of my busyness is stripped away. I don’t dance or cheer anymore, which I still struggle with the absence of. I don’t do theater, and I’m not in my high school clubs anymore. Therefore, in the few clubs I am in, I am not nearly as crucial as I was in high school. My life went under a complete switch. I had finally gotten the boredom I prayed for, but it didn’t give me the relief I was chasing. Freshman year forced me to sit with myself, in stillness, with no distractions to run to. At first, this did numbers to my anxiety, I went through weeks of altered eating and sleeping. My body was never exposed to this level of aloneness, and stillness. Of course, I did not sit in my sadness; I picked myself up and put myself out there. I spent more time with my new friends, and calling old ones. I spent so much time strengthening my arts and writing. I began to do more and more things alone. Not in a lonely way, but in a strong, independent way.
The stillness of my life showed me what parts of me have been left hurting. The slowness brought the empty voids to the surface. The quiet taught me what friendships and relationships were not serving me anymore. All of these things were so hard to see when my life was full of flashes. Freshman year revealed the bones beneath the skin. I was forced to sit in levels of discomfort and panic. I couldn’t run this time, I knew I had to sit in my skeleton, and figure this out. This time was hard, painful and often felt like shedding layers of learned lifetimes. I ended up losing my relationship with my previous partner. I distanced myself from factors that did not fill me. I learned what I lack internally and what I am strong within. I learned how to regulate through the hard things, what’s impactful, and what grounds me. As I look back on the past two semesters I hold so much love for the girl who stepped into this room, but even more for the girl who’s leaving it.
I think in a sense, I will forever mourn the life I lived before college. My past versions brought me home to this version, and this version will lead me to the next. I am reminded that hard things build the rock for stable things. Freshman year was the fallout I needed to see myself in new ways. I understand my worth more than ever. I can regulate my anxiety using my mind and body as tools. I no longer find myself fighting against myself. Of course, I still have a long way to go in many aspects. However, I will forever be grateful for these nine months of growth, of revealing, and becoming.