I’m sure everyone has a subtle memory from childhood of being told to stop crying. Stop crying in the grocery store, the hallway, the restaurant. It’s common practice for parents to attempt to stop tears in public, as they smile at the surrounding strangers, hoping it’ll save them from “embarrassment.” They tell the children in the car that they’ll be made fun of at school if they cry like that. They tell them that it is unacceptable. “Did you see everyone looking at you?”
This seems like an innocent parenting strategy to aid in behavior control, but in reality, it can create negative effects on children later in life. “Stop Crying!” encourages children to block feelings, not regulate them. The child remembers the punishments, the possible embarrassment their parents speak of, and fixates on their friendships in school. “You’ll never make friends if you cry like that!” Many times this is just a quick way of scaring children from creating scenes in public. To a point, yes, there is goodness in making sure that public behavior is mannerful and respectful. However, the intent blurs when it’s repeated, harsh, and not explained. Not all corrections are harmful, but it can create problems when it’s strictly shamed, and not balanced. Guiding children is necessary but dismissal is impactful.
No crying in public can cause children to carry suppression into other parts of their lives. It can lead to low self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty understanding emotions. Adolescence is one of the strongest periods of emotional development. What’s learned here is hard to unlearn. When crying is shame-based, it turns into struggling teens, unsure of how to stabilize hard feelings. Or, how to feel them at all. This can lead to numb adults, falling flat in connection. These realities may seem over the top, but the small acts can gradually create emotional barriers.
It turns into emotional expression equaling social risk, embarrassment, and weakness.
What has always been so interesting to me is that crying is one of the natural healing processes our body performs. Crying releases chemicals similar to painkillers received in the hospital setting. It’s our body’s natural way of regulating, relaxing, and managing pain. Yet, we are taught to often suppress it. Women are often told that crying is dramatic, too emotional, and correlated to their menstrual cycle. Men are often told that crying makes them weak, less of a man. As humans, together, we grow farther apart from something that connects us all as one– feeling. It’s a shame to witness people become so out of touch with their inner rhythms of releasing.
Parenting is not the only root of this issue, but I believe it does carry a strong part of it. Instead of shunning tears, I think it should turn into a place of connection. Of questions, and teachings of how to relax, collect, and move on. What a world it would be if children grew into adults who knew how to calm themselves down, out of habit and normalcy. How peaceful would we be as a society to lean in and understood ourselves from the beginning. Where crying is viewed as a natural, beautiful release. Suppression leads to a multitude of consequences, but most importantly leads to an unfelt self.
Who are you beneath every wall you built?