I was once scrolling through Pinterest aimlessly, as I typically do when the other apps on my phone are dry, when I stumbled across a quote. I don’t know if it was from a poem, a story, or even just a post from someone’s blog, but it really stuck with me. The quote was, “you are your own home”. I remember just blinking at it for a couple of seconds because it was one of those mantras I knew was wise but was so different from how I actually felt. I found no comfort in being alone, and felt as though I was no one without male validation.
And then I received male validation, and it felt pretty good – for a few minutes. Then, the unhappiness and discomfort I felt the next time I was alone creeped back in. This completely chalked the confidence I had just thought was finally beginning to build up. I kept trying again to search for that validation, but with every Tinder match and hollow conversation, I came to a difficult realization: I needed to find comfort in myself to make this damn house a home.
I write this as an attempt to convince myself, in addition to you guys, that whether we like it or not, we will spend so much time alone in this lifetime. We might as well get comfortable with it, so let me teach you how to be:
Know your chronology as your own.
This was a harsh realization for me. Last summer, I was fully alone for the first time ever – not tied to any confusing situationship or toxic situation. It was the first time I wasn’t living on-edge, and for some reason, I hated it. Both of my best friends had people interested in them and they were experiencing the excitement of first love, while I had no one. The three of us went on a vacation together and I was an anxious, depressed mess the entire time; I thought I just wasn’t the type of person someone would want to love. I convinced myself my circumstances were a reflection of who I was: unlovable and unwanted. I spent the trip opting to not wear the cute clothes I had picked out for myself and remaining withdrawn. I will never get that time back, and I wish I could have told my past self this:
Your life will not follow the same course as your best friend’s or the people around you. The happiest relationships could look different in a year, and that friend group you envy could be going through something messy that you don’t know about – The people you put on a pedestal are just people. Life is weird like that where everyone is just trying to get by, so we’re all at different places at different times. Living in a constant state of comparison will not make you appreciate what you already have.
Coming to that understanding was and is not an easy process, but the next time you find yourself looking at the people around you who are happily cuffed, remember that it doesn’t reflect anything about you – it’s just life.
Put some trust in the universe.
People literally hate me for saying this, but whenever I’m not looking, good things naturally come to me. Not to get all spiritual, but the energy you put into the universe will come back to you.
A few weeks ago, these girls on TikTok went viral for a video they filmed sitting in their car eating Chinese food. They said that they had basically found the secret to manifesting confidence and happiness: repeating the phrase “I’m a lucky girl, everything just works out for me.”
That “lucky girl” mindset is truly the key to developing a sense of self-worth and self-love. I don’t think that believing everything will work out in your favor in the end is at all delusional or blindly optimistic. If you live in a constant state of feeling as though you need to put yourself out there more or as though you’re not doing enough, you won’t be happy. So I say this: trust the universe.
Understand this:
You don’t have to constantly be searching for good things to come your way. Good things are literally all around you and even IN you, so take the time to recognize them. The best things will happen when you least expect them to. By spending time alone pursuing your passions or just appreciating everything you already have in life, in time you will learn to be your own home.