I am learning to let go of my anger. My anger used to fuel me with its hot gas. It controlled me. Manipulated me. Stared down at my every move. Held me captive. I released my anger into the void. It dispersed into tiny clouds that burst into tiny gray lights.
I started releasing my anger by listening to music with lyrics that had many metaphors, which turned my pain that felt too difficult to explain using direct language into soft language.. These metaphors calmed the concrete pain that felt too overwhelming to explain to people.
I am slowly forgiving people who have harmed me. I am going over their perspectives in my mind about why they harmed me. Sometimes this is painful for me because they harmed me out of pure enjoyment or to see me struggle to make sure that I lost people I love. They attempted to turn the people I love against me – and they almost succeeded. My world cracked – but it did not break.
I constantly struggle to forgive myself for the pain I caused other people who never caused me pain, when I got upset at people when I was feeling upset about personal issues, and they unintentionally triggered me. I try to take long walks and listen to soft rock music, where I relate my actions to the lyrics in the music. I am embarrassed that I allowed my emotions to control me to the point that I get so emotional when people make me feel upset. I am working on giving a strong and steady response and just walking away. I have been getting better at this over the past few years. People tend to be mean to me since I have disabilities.
When I struggle to forgive myself, I feel my heart beating fast and my face gets hot. I feel my spine shrinking inside my back, and I feel tense vibrations shoot up my back. Sometimes, my body starts shaking. I feel like my back is crunching inside of itself, and there are vibrations tangled inside of my spine.
To cope, I run back and forth, flap my hands, jump up and down, and make humming noises. I find that these movements calm the vibrations in my back and help them to flow softly through my spine.