The Funniest Methods of Avoiding People I've Heard to Date

 

  1. One time a student was approached by a professor she didn’t like in the dining hall. Mind you, she went to the lengths of hiding under a table from this professor, and would’ve gone unnoticed had another student not given away her location. She was found and, to her horror, began having a conversation with the professor. Then suddenly, a student who was also a pupil of the professor’s (and a friend to the trapped student) interrupted the conversation between the professor and the student with an almost panicked urgency. The professor was understanding when the student was whisked far far away. Zooming with the friend down the hall to the emergency, the student asked what was going on. As they turned a corner and dropped their pace to a stroll, the friend replied, “I made that up. You’re welcome.” 

  2. One time a friend told me about the time when her roommate wanted to bond and she didn’t. But she was very precarious of other people's feelings, so when the roommate suggested they watched a movie one night, she didn’t decline. Instead, she took a Benadryl right before the movie and fell asleep after it started.

  3. When asking people to share the funniest methods or stories of avoiding people at a HerCampus meeting, one of the answers I received was “get arrested.” I mean, it would be effective. However long you spend behind bars, you would at least do it without face-to-face interaction with the people that stress you. Need a break from those closest to you? Get arrested. Work and the outside world stressing you out? Don’t wanna confront that bully at work? Put your hands up and take an all-expense-paid-retreat to the slammer.  

  4. Another one of my favorite responses to this question was, “Move countries and steal an identity.” May I suggest Luxembourg? When following up with the person who proposed this idea, she suggested committing this crime in a country with high population density.  

  5. This one is similar to getting arrested: catch the flu and go to the hospital. Can’t find the flu? Try laying your head on the desk of any elementary school classroom. This avoidance strategy guarantees at least 8 hours of time away from your problem person. 

  6. Go to church. It never hurts to attempt to pray away the person you’re trying to avoid. If you need, bring a friend/prayer-buddy to watch your back while your eyes are closed. Tell them that if it’s necessary, they can protect you with holy water. 

  7. Fake your death. Leave the country or burrow deep into the ranks of an underground top-secret cult. Better yet, start your own cult and recruit followers that will protect you. Take over the world. Recruit the grandchildren of the person you’re avoiding. Then, with your dying breath, reveal your identity to those grandchildren, and send them back to their grandparent with the message “I’m not really dying”.

But in all seriousness, if you feel desperate enough to take any of the measures above to avoid someone, you probably need to talk to them. Or to someone who can facilitate a conversation between the two of you. But in the meantime, it doesn’t hurt to fantasize avoiding them.