Here is the thing about depression. Sometimes it is major, and other times it is minor. I think the most important thing to know about depression is that it presents itself differently, and it manifests differently in everyone. When I feel myself spiraling downward, I feel that my sadness comes in the form of a thick, dense fog whose vapor finds a home deep in my pores, and sits heavy. Yours may feel different, but each of ours is unpleasant. Another thing about depression is that not every day is a bad day. Hell, most days may be fine. However, it is crucial to notice your red flags. We must pick up on these patterns and signs because that fog comes quick and heavy, and the sooner you catch it, the better. I am not a professional nor do I have advice that will work for everyone, but these are some patterns that I notice within myself when “fog” comes through, and hopefully, this will help you point out and fix yours.
PANIC
One thing I always do anytime I feel overwhelmingly sad is panic. When I feel extra low or have an intense urge to cry or do nothing, I result to my pessimistic thinking. I become very dramatic and start telling myself, “I am getting bad again, why is this happening to me, I am so stupid.” It is so easy to end up in the state of mind where you feel helpless or that you are the one to blame, but none of those things are true. Living with depression is nothing short of downright fucking difficult, so these kinds of responses when you feel yourself getting sick again are entirely reasonable. Every day I think about the worst mental state I have been in, and it scares me ever to be that way again. This is a critical moment for you, so take a moment to take a deep breath or 20 and talk to yourself. Remind yourself that you are a survivor and that it’s OK to feel overwhelmed and most importantly, that you will get through it. During this stage of panic, it is necessary to tap into your strengths to remind yourself how capable you are.
THIS IS AN ILLNESS
As a result of pessimistic thinking which I mentioned before, it is so easy to point the finger at yourself. I never thought about my depression as genetic or as an illness; instead, I grew up thinking that that was just something wrong with me, some sort of defect in my brain. Looking back now, that kind of perspective on my depression only made me worse. The self-shame, the spiraling down thinking, etc. didn’t do well for me at all. Shifting your perspective on your illness can help you react with less fear or in a manner that won’t hurt you when symptoms or patterns of your depression began to arise.
IT ISN’T THE END ALL BE ALL
No matter how intense or suffocating these feelings are, they will not last. Sometimes it is best to let yourself feel it out without fighting it but also not allowing it to conquer you. When I am in a funk and I know that it’s going to be hard to accomplish things that day, I will give myself that day off. Sometimes allowing yourself to feel your way through depression (along with all the emotions that come with it) and merely accepting that it is there can be the most of alleviating thing to do. I believe that this works for me because most times trying to deny it or use it against myself is exhausting. Sometimes all it takes is me telling myself, “this is how I’m going to feel for the rest of the day, tomorrow will be a better day.”
Remember that you are not your illness and that it does not define you. It does not determine your worth or the way that you live your life. Please, love yourself a little harder on the days you notice your red flags.