Dealing With Your First Heartbreak In Your Twenties

Let me start with the fact that heartbreak is totally normal and that you are guaranteed to have at least one during your lifetime. I would also like to add that heartbreak can stem from losing a significant other as well as from friends and family alike. However, as mentioned in the title, my focus in this article is geared towards heartbreak from romantic entanglements in your twenties.

I cannot count the amount of times I have had friends get their heart broken and swear off men and dating only to fall back into the same trap again and again. Their reasoning? They feel the need to have somebody in their life so as not to be ‘alone’. This is almost always accompanied by the usual “Oh, you’ve never been in love before, so you don’t understand how it feels to have that special somebody by your side.” Okay Karen, at least I’m not the one drowning in ice cream tubs and sad rom coms.

You would think after hearing this continuously, I would have learnt my lesson and let them go through their own BS by themselves, right? But as everyone knows, human beings love hurting themselves and even though my girlfriends might get annoying, at the end of the day, they are still my best friends, so I do what I do best: beat some sense into their thick skulls (no, not literally, unless…)

Recently, I had a friend who hopped on the online dating bandwagon because she wanted to have some fun and let loose and oh boy, did she let loose. My friend here, let’s call her Miss T, went onto Bumble one night and scored a date in just a few hours. She had her first kiss the same night and they decided to meet each other again the following night where they took things to Level 2 (think steamy make out sesh). Then he proceeded to kick her out, literally, because he had to pack for his trip back home (major red flag alert). Obviously, T was angry, but she also liked the attention and he did have a ‘valid’ excuse (even though he could have packed much earlier…). They texted even when he was back home and, flash forward two weeks later, he comes back, asks to meet her because he missed her, and boom, they have sex!

Immediately after “The Act”, he proceeded to tell her that he was not ready for a relationship and he would still be down to be friends with her, with or without sex, even though he had said that he was not the kind of person to sleep with somebody without any labels. Classic d-bag move.

She was crushed. There she was, thinking that he might like her and they might end up being something serious, but now he was telling her that he would not be committing to something. He left that night and never texted her back.

Unfortunately, that really took a toll on her self-esteem given that she was starting to develop feelings for him, and she had also given something precious to him. The sad truth? T is not the only one to have gone through this experience.

So, here’s the takeaway from this story to all my ladies, gents, and people in-between to avoid any heartbreak while dating, virtual or not:

CONSENT

I cannot emphasize the need for consent enough. Experienced or not, you should always make sure to consent to having sex. You should ensure that both of you are comfortable before, during, and after penetration. Make it clear the minute you change your mind and do not want to proceed, irrespective of the fact that your partner might be preparing to enter you or might already be inside of you.

DTR: Define The Relationship

Always make sure that both of you know exactly what you’re getting into and are on the same wavelength on the first date. It may sound daunting, but this will really help you avoid misunderstanding and potential heartbreaks. Are you down for a one-night stand? A friends with benefits relationship? Maybe even a “let’s see where this leads us kind of thing”? Clarify it.

Have a third point of view

T called me every time to discuss what was happening with the guy, and I proceeded to tell her my thoughts but never, ever imposed my own views on her or slut shamed her. A lot of times, people are afraid of telling people such things for fear of judgement which is again, totally fine because their business is their business. However, another perspective might be good when you’re embarking on something important because a fresh viewpoint helps to stop your thoughts from reaching the marriage altar after that one flirty text.

Have an in-depth knowledge of what exactly sex entails.

I cannot speak for everybody, but T had no idea what sex meant for the female anatomy, mostly relying on the pleasure of her male counterpart. She was the giver and received none of her own. She also had no idea that she was supposed to pee right after (recommended to prevent a UTI – urinary tract infection) and take a morning-after pill (to prevent any pregnancy scares). This made me realise how many women have a vague knowledge of sex, mostly derived from rosy scenes in movie,s and have no idea of how it actually is irl. The solution?
– Ask your friends about it
– Go to a clinic to inquire or call a gynaecologist.
– If option 1 and 2 sound embarrassing, read on it! There are a lot of books (online and free) as well as forums where you can ask your questions anonymously.
 

Last but not least, put yourself first. Always.

To whoever is reading this, I would like to end by saying that you are beautiful, valid, and appreciated, and you should never feel pressured to do something in order to conform to the expectations of society.

• 20s
• coping
• heartbreak