There comes a point in time when your relationship with your parents can get a little complicated. Been there, done that.
Legally, I’m an adult. My parents can’t treat me like a kid anymore, because I’m not one. I still live (rent-free) in their house, though, which means I haven’t unlocked my full grown-up freedom yet. I call it almost-adulting. Like all things, almost-adulting comes with its pros and cons.
Living at home during university was a strategic decision for me — I live in the same town as my school so I have no need to move out, and I can save my money instead. It seems I’m not the only one. My entire friend group still lives with their parents, and Statistics Canada shows that the number of students living at home has increased up to 49% in 2021. Whatever it is that’s keeping young adults at home, the most prevalent thing is that issues are going to arise. Not every moment will be rainbows and sunshine, and the lessons I’ve learned as a twenty-year-old living with my parents have stuck with me.
The good news is that all problems have solutions, so here are five of mine:
- Establish boundaries
Rules might’ve been made to be broken, but boundaries were not. There are certain expectations, thoughts, and feelings that each party will have, and it’s super important to talk about them. This can be tough, especially with parents who have a hard time letting go of their “little babies.” Let them know that you love them, but you still need your space! Express your personal limits ahead of time to prevent conflict and feelings of discomfort.
Some examples of boundaries could be: they should knock before entering your room, they can’t interrogate you about where you’re going, and they shouldn’t hand you a list full of chores as you’re about to leave the house. That’s not to say you can’t tell them where you’re going out of courtesy, because transparency can be good for both sides! But it’s up to you to decide how many details you want to give – a simple, “I’m going out, I’ll be back later tonight” can suffice, if that’s all you feel comfortable disclosing. You should definitely help out around the house too, but your time is a boundary that has to be talked about. Being bombarded with a bunch of things that you’re told you “have” to do immediately is not fair to you as an adult. Your time is just as important as theirs, and it should be respected and valued.
This goes both ways, too. Your parents will have boundaries to set with you, whether it’s finances, resources, or acceptable levels of dependency. Talk it out together and learn how to compromise so that everyone feels comfortable; otherwise, you’re going to have issues. Call me negative, but I call it planning ahead.
- Respect your parents’ house
Not everyone likes the “my house, my rules” speech, but it has some merit. Just because new rules apply when you start to grow-up, doesn’t mean that the old ones go out the window. If you weren’t allowed to throw parties and smoke in the house as a teenager, don’t expect you’ll be able to do that the moment you turn eighteen. Adulthood isn’t a pass to be disrespectful to your parents, and if they prefer you smoke outside, or at a friends’ place, then just do that. My boyfriend isn’t allowed in my room, and I respect that because it’s under my parents’ roof. But, if I want to go to his house, then they can’t say they don’t want us sharing a room, because it’s no longer their place to make that choice. There’s a line, and both parties will have to find it.
- Keep an open line of communication
This one’s hard for me sometimes. When you reach a certain age, you get that mentality of “I’m an adult and I can do what I want.” With that being said, there’s a way to maintain family cohesion while you’re off almost-adulting. If I’m going out for the night, I let my parents know when I won’t be coming home. I’ve made the mistake of disappearing, and woke up to a bunch of missed calls asking where I am. In this situation, your first thought might be annoyance: why are my parents on my a**? I’m 20, don’t they know I can make my own decisions? Remember, if you want this living arrangement to go on peacefully, you have to put yourself in their shoes, too. You left at 6pm without telling anyone, and now it’s 11am the following day and you’re not answering your phone. They’re not trying to baby you; they’re just worried your car went off the side of the road. Of course, there’s a fine line to this too, and if they’re frequently texting you when you’re out and telling you to come home soon, then you need to revisit step one.
Another great example is car-sharing. Don’t make plans to take the car and get upset when they tell you that you can’t, when you didn’t speak up in the first place. Let your parents know beforehand if you’ll need their car, and for how long – and understand that they get priority. Communicating plans and expectations is known to reduce conflict in families, so start talking.
- Pull your weight
This should go without saying. In most situations, the parents pay for rent, utilities, food, and the majority of other bills. So, make up for it in other ways that you can. Usually, this includes cleaning, but there are other ways to pull your weight too. In my house, we all have to cook at least once a week for the whole family, and my weekly chores include swapping between dishes, floors, and bathroom duty with my sister. I also pay my phone bill and insurance, and I buy a lot of my own groceries. If your parents pay for everything, that is absolutely okay. There’s no shame in being helped out, and use that advantage to continue putting money aside for your future. However, if you have a job and you’re asked to pitch in here and there, whether it’s buying eggs and milk, or paying for the Disney+ account that only you use, then try not to put up a fight. It’s really not worth it, and they’ll start to view you as an adult when you start contributing to the household.
- Make time for yourself
This tip goes hand in hand with establishing boundaries – everyone needs me-time. I don’t care how much of an extrovert you are; you’re lying if you say you don’t. My social life demands that I be extroverted, but I’m secretly an introvert, so the moment I get home I want to unwind by myself. There are times when the people around you won’t always understand why you want to be alone in your room for a couple hours. Maybe they’ll even take it personally and tell you that you’re not spending enough time with them. The good thing is, you’re all adults, remember? Adults can handle their own emotions, so worry about yours first.
Don’t feel guilty if you have to say no to family movie night, or going to family events, because you’re just not in the right headspace. It’s better to be fully present when you are there, then force yourself to participate when you don’t want to. Otherwise, you’ll get overwhelmed, moody, and probably end up putting a damper on their evening, when you should’ve just listened to your body and spent some time alone. Scheduling moments for yourself will end up improving your relationship with your family and ensure that you’re in a better mindset when you finally do connect with them.
Your living situation might not always be ideal. I want to live on my own sometimes too, but it’s just not feasible for me right now. Remember that mutual respect goes a long way, and almost-adulting can be a great experience if you and your family work together.