As my last fall quarter profile article last year, I decided to interview my roommate, Hannah Chen, on her thoughts on her upcoming winter quarter study abroad program, and what, in her mind, made her application successful in securing her spot in a competitive Foster business program in Rome. Even if the article didn’t reach a wide audience, the writer herself was a bit moved by the answers—so much so that she, within three months of the article going live, found herself pre-preparing answers to a leg-bouncing interview, booking ten thousand miles of flights, and attending three nerve-wracking orientations to embark on a journey to the same location to learn about sustainable food systems and nutrition in June. She is me. I am her.
The program’s first and second orientations felt like obligatory class lectures I paid little mind to, but by the end of the third orientation, when we all left with goodbyes of “See you in Italy!”, a creeping anxiety swept over me. I remember a bleak walk home and proceeding to stare out my apartment window in denial, sitting with the startling realization that I no longer had the option to bag out last minute. I don’t know why I doubted myself so much—there really wasn’t any factor of my life that put me at a significant disadvantage to completing the entire program compared to everybody else. Sure, my mom had passed away in 2019, so the thought of being away from my family for that long was gutting, but, I had to be honest with myself, that excuse wasn’t going to get me out of this voluntary commitment this far along. So, in the single digit days leading up to my first-ever international departure, I began to think of my study abroad challenge in the best light I could: I was going to make it through, despite how tough it was.
And to say it was tough at first is an understatement. We started our Italian excursion with a five-day stay in the unique metropolis of Bologna, which I now think of as a zenith of the trip, but the second night in our tight hostel was, to lightly put it, my own hell on earth. Running on an hour of sleep even after trying every relaxation tactic in the book, I scavenged around for a believable excuse for why I should fly home before we even got started; I finally landed on “I can tell the professors I’m not in the right mental health space to complete a study abroad program.” The loneliness I felt in those late-night moments was overwhelming, but I subconsciously knew that my only realistic option, now across the globe from the comfort of home I was so used to, was to move forward.
After Bologna, our combined group headed out to Tenuta San Carlo and Spannocchia, respectfully, our two sustainable farm stays in the Tuscany region. Inevitably, COVID was an uninvited guest that wedged its way into our original itinerary, but even though our group went from a sociable group of 25 to a meager 13 students practically overnight for both weeks, these farm stays, without a doubt, were my favorite parts of the trip. While you may not personally nostalgic for any specific study abroad memories in the months after they’re over, you may learn that besides a few small bouts of homesickness, your time in a foreign scape can cause for rightful, internal reflection. More so than the academic sphere of the program, I had a personal epiphany about halfway through the Spannocchia week: one, I care way too much about what other people think of me, and two, I am way too hard on myself. I hadn’t originally expected that I would go on a journey of philosophical introspection on myself when traveling to Italy at 21, but it just seemed to happen naturally. And yes, while you’re probably drawn to travel internationally to learn about contrasting social, political, and cultural differences applicable to your field of study, despite how extraverted and bubbly or reflective and introverted you are, above all, you’ll end up learning more about yourself than you’ll ever anticipate.
We settled in Rome for our second half of the program on July 1st. Because one could be in Rome for months or years and still never see it all, the introvert in me was easily overwhelmed and constantly caught in between a motivation to get out of my comfort zone and socialize, while also having a nagging inner voice that said, “No more socializing, I just want to be by myself right now.” Even though I could’ve tried a little bit harder to be who I someday wish to be when I look in the mirror, the girl my resume needs, I’m not ashamed of what I did manage to make out of the Rome weeks. It can be difficult at first, amidst new surroundings and people, to find a balance of appropriately pushing yourself out of your comfort zone while also respecting your own permanent boundaries, but despite the difficulty, that’s no reason to not be proud of them and the progress you’ve made within them, especially in a new experience.
After aimlessly driving my hometown when I came back in mid-July, I did catch myself shaking my head a few times, saying, “Damn, I can’t believe I made it to the end.” I knew that there was absolutely no way that 2019 me, the girl on the brink of college that had no faith she could make the monumental change, would have been able to do that; I’m glad I waited for this exact moment in my life to take on the Italian endeavor. And although I admittedly wouldn’t do a month-long study abroad program again (let alone a quarter-long one), I’m glad I committed to it fully and I made it to the end. I predicted that the pride I would feel when finally arriving back in Seattle would be empowering, and I was right. Now, four months later, I feel that with any life challenge I may have, I remind myself that I spent a month abroad in Italy, somewhat by myself, and that anything else that comes is a piece of cake, a walk in the park.
At the end of the day, there really is no limit to what I can do, and I have Italy to thank for that. There were moments of the trip where I was thinking, “People say they found themselves when traveling? I think I’ve lost myself more than anything.” That was true in many moments, but more than all, throughout my study abroad program, I realized who I can be if I want to be and what I’m capable of. And, however much you can do in a day to reach that version of yourself, a study abroad program can help you get there, maybe not all at once, but a little bit at a time.