“Where do you want to go for dinner?”
“What do you want to do tonight?”
“What are your thoughts on that?”
“Do you like this?”
Seemingly mundane questions that people get asked on a daily basis, right? But despite the familiarity of these questions, when I’m asked them, I end up feeling like a deer paralyzed in headlights. I become plagued with the fear of saying the wrong thing or making the wrong choice. Not wanting my interests to impede the desires of others, I always end up responding with a “whatever you want!” or “I’m down with whatever!” or “I don’t care!” But the truth is: I do care. And I should.
Young girls have always been taught that there’s inherent value in putting the desires of others before their own. Being a “people pleaser” is widely viewed as a trait of an ideal female. Whether it’s keeping appearances satisfactory to appease societal norms, being told to smile more, being attacked in group discourse for not expressing a normalized belief, or being castigated for not having a “pleasant” demeanor, there is an undeniable pressure put on women to please. Men, however, have more power to let people down and go against society’s wishes without receiving as much heat. In a class discussion, if a man expresses a belief that goes against the grain, his opinion is considered and often accepted. If a woman does the same, her disposition is considered overly authoritative and her opinion is often overlooked.
The beliefs of men have always been considered the default and women have been socialized to think that their opinions are less significant alternatives, and thus, not applicable. This has resulted in millions of women second guessing what they have to say every day and denying the task of decision making. It has made women like me feel that indecisiveness is an adverse personality trait, instead of an outcome of flawed female socialization.
This is why being more decisive is my unofficial New Year’s Resolution, and I encourage you to make it yours, too. Don’t get me wrong: selflessness is a trait that shouldn’t be discredited. Empathizing and considering the needs of others before your own is a deeply altruistic human attribute. This has been drilled into us since we were kids learning how to share and take turns on the playground. However, the significance of putting yourself first is too often swept under the carpet. It’s okay to say what you think or what you want to do out loud. The world is a better place when all of our voices are heard.