TSW: mention of loneliness, mental illness and mild suicidal thoughts.
This one’s a bummer, sorry folks. In the hopes of preventing others from feeling how I do; I’m going to tell it. And, if you do feel a similar way to me, I hope you will at least be comforted in the knowledge that you are not alone. This article isn’t a pity story, but an acknowledgement of my feelings and a general plea to be considerate of other people. So, if you think it will trigger you, incite something that you’re afraid to consider, now is your chance to stop. I won’t speak vividly about my battles with mental illness, but it is a big part of my life, so I can’t not discuss it. After all, as a Her Campus writer and editor, I feel it is my responsibility to give the readers an accurate reality of university life, at least from my current perspective of it.
To elaborate on the title, I live in Tile Hill with 4 other second-year students. They are what I would call ‘fresher’s friends’, meaning we met in the first week of term and settled. I didn’t bother to make other close friends; I didn’t think I would need to. But, as I now know, sticking with one group might not have been the way to go. We’d meet up almost every day, even if it was just to sit in their kitchen and play card games or do work. We didn’t go out very often, but that was okay. We were students saving money and didn’t need to meet anyone else. Now though, I wish I went to more society events in first-year, or even got to know my course mates a bit better. It’s taken me a year to realise that they are in a clique, one which I am most definitely not part of. The 2 Maths students matched their modules up, 1 of them is dating another housemate (so the 3 of them are almost always on-campus at the same time) and the 4th is apparently so busy that she can’t talk to me for more than 5 minutes. But when did it start? Were the cracks always there?
Just over a month ago, I sent a message to the group-chat about cleaning responsibilities. Safe to say, it didn’t go well. The girlfriend sent a message on behalf of everyone about how my behaviour was equally unacceptable and they would of course be understanding if they knew about my concerns. I called them privileged for not recognising the responsibility that they have to clean up communal areas, especially their own stuff. They said stuff about my prior actions and inconsiderate nature, so I said stuff back. It all ended on a terribly bad, terribly unclear note. I know that I could have been more diplomatic, but it wasn’t like this was the first time I had said something about cleaning up after yourself. So, I was harsh, they were harsh, and all ties were severed. Since then, we’ve barely spoken. At least, they haven’t spoken to me. As I write this, they sit downstairs having their Christmas dinner, one which I asked to be part of but am very clearly not. So, as you can understand, life is hard right now. I don’t know what I can do to make it better, or if there’s any way I can. It’s so hard to talk to them in person, especially when they’re in a group so often. And I’m a coward who likes the easy way out.
From their perspective, I can see why they’d punish me. They aren’t a confrontational group, and I was inconsiderate with what I said. But it’s gone so far beyond that now that I can’t help but replay every interaction we’ve had over and over in my head again, seeing what I should have done differently. I’m trying to adjust to this new life; I plan my days to be as out-of-the-house as possible and am even looking for accommodation for next year. The days can’t come sooner. For the first week or 2 there was a total refusal of acknowledgement, but now we’ve reached a point where I can have vague and mumbled conversations with 2 of them. Well, that’s not entirely true. Because of difficulties with the landlords, I have technically spoken to them all. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t know what’s real, or how I should feel, or how I should act. Most of the time, I try to stay in my room or out of the house, and only go into the kitchen when I need food. I’ve tried sitting on the sofa once or twice, but when the clique walks in, I feel utterly alone. I see how they ignore me, make a deliberate effort to talk louder and act as if I didn’t exist, even though they moved my bike that very morning or put my peppers from the veg box onto my shelf to make room for their own. Observant, I know. But how could I not over-analyse every direct and indirect interaction with them, when that’s all that remains of our ‘friendship’? I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I know that it hurts.
On the one hand, I understand their actions. But, at the same time, there are 4 of them and I almost always seem to be the one to make an effort to speak first. I’m in 2 minds as to give up completely or to continue trying to rebuild our friendship. I know that we’ll never be as close as we were, but it’s hard to be alive when you feel unwelcome in your home, alone at university and not really part of anything. What else do I have? My mental health is in shambles and the antidepressants don’t seem to be doing their job, despite my Doctor’s claims that ‘it will pass soon’ and ‘university is so hard for young people’. But I don’t think it will pass, and I can’t find the motivation to do anything that will help it. Sure, I go to the gym, but it’s only a temporary improvement. A distraction. My course is overwhelming, and the content is so much more than last year that I can’t help but feel that I don’t belong. It shouldn’t be this hard, right? Now, I know that university can be lonely for everyone, and that it’s about ‘finding your own feet’ and ‘discovering who you are’, but is this really the best way for it? I went to Warwick because I wanted to do better, be better. Maybe I should have stayed at home.
It isn’t all bad though. There are moments when the fog disperses, and I can push through the sludge. The world is still grey, but I am reminded that it is in fact a world and not a 5-bedroom house. I’ve been pushing myself to go out more and have found people to live with next year. I went to a board-games event today and played with people I’ve never met before. Change is happening, albeit slowly. I hope that, one day, this won’t affect me so much. I hope that I won’t have to ‘get used to it’ and that it will, genuinely, be in the past. Regardless of whether I reconcile with my housemates, I hope that I can get through this. If nothing else, I’ve learnt to consider how others might perceive something. My view of events, and the world, could be completely different to someone else’s. I might be struggling, but I’m sure I’m not the only one. So please, especially this Christmas, reach out to your course mates, housemates, friends, family and strangers. It might make all the difference. Offer them your support, if you can. Be it an acknowledging smile, a hug or even a conversation, they’ll appreciate it.
And lastly, thank you to those who have stuck around, in reading this article and in supporting me.