“You don’t owe anyone anything.” My eyes widened and my face immediately scrunched up into a look of disapproval as the statement left my friend’s lips. A rush of protests came to my mind, but I kept quiet. This truth wasn’t coming out of the blue, because I was at their apartment crying about a guy and heavily burdened with friendship drama, yet again.
Last year left me emotionally drained and part of the blame for that exhaustion was on me. I stretched myself thin for the benefit of others; giving my limited hours of free time to other people and acting as an emotional dump, soundboard and advice dispenser. On top of wanting to be there for friends, I had to be a resource and advocate for residents because of my job as an RA. Then I had my own heartbreak unraveling at the same time, and this fallout was with one person I had given a lot of myself to. In trying to be the person who was there for everyone, I wasn’t spending enough time being there for myself.
I have always wanted to be the go-to person for people I care about. In high school that was an easy role to fill because my world was so small then. Of course I could balance school work, being there for my best friends and having time for myself when all I knew was my hometown and had to be mindful of a curfew. Freshmen year of college it wasn’t too taxing to keep that position, even as my world became bigger upon coming to Blacksburg. Sophomore year I grew closer with more people, courses got harder, I became an exec in my HC chapter and also took on more responsibility as an RA. I came across more intense experiences and feelings, but I continued to act like I could handle it all—when I couldn’t. Before I knew it, I was sleeping less, pushing off papers until the last minute and losing confidence in myself.
Now don’t go turning friends in need away in the name of self-care. Say, “I want to be there for you, but right now I need to take care of myself. Can we plan a time to talk?”, or something with a similar message. If the problem is bigger than you can handle, refer them to someone who can. Ask for help if there is too much responsibility and pressure on you. Create boundaries that serve you. I intentionally set aside time every day to be alone and recharge. Powering off your phone or journaling are other ways you can check-in with yourself and figure out what areas of your life are taking too much from you at the moment.
Reclaiming your time is scary and can come off as selfish. This advice is coming from the same girl who wrote “For the Girl Who Gives More Than She Gets”, and trust me when I say I wish I had been told this phrase back then. While most of life is out of control, you can choose who and what you give your time to. Give to yourself first, because you can’t fill other’s cups when yours is empty.
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