I am like you.
I have been left shocked as someone walks away like the relationship between us was never really there. I have been numbed as the texts grow fewer and farther apart to an eventual silence. I have been hurt as the other person just seemed to stop caring about my feelings and the possibility of our future. These experiences were a different kind of heartbreak than a break up. The relationships were still in the talking phase, the gone out a few times phase or the “do they even like me back?” phase. These relationships have been friendships too. They all left me wondering what was wrong with me; what did I do that messed it up?
This past year I was put in moments and situations that cornered me to realize I put a lot of myself into relationships. When I click with another person I begin to make them part of my routine. It can be checking my phone too much for a text back or changing up my plans for the night to spend time with them at the last minute. I have also worked hard to help the other person see themselves the way I do and build them up, even when I was the one who needed encouragement. I have adjusted my perspective and worked to see a situation from the other side, when the other person wasn’t willing to do the same. Over-giving comes in different ways and you don’t always recognize it before it’s too late.
I am emotionally charged and if I like someone, I want them to be involved in my life. Everyone has this within them, just some a bit more than others. Not everyone is as willing or open to sharing these feelings and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If everyone was the same, then life would be pretty dull. It’s when the person who may not be as willing to be emotionally vulnerable and direct and it starts to take an affect on you, that this difference can be hurtful. Signs of this can be showing indifference to you and your life, not communicating and making your feelings seem small or insignificant. When you fall onto the side of being more emotionally driven, sometimes you end up giving more than you get.
In some relationships the give and take balance is spread out. There are times when one person needs to give more than the other and vice-versa. No relationship will always be completely balanced. But you can’t always be the one who is over-giving. This will damage your self-esteem and create a relationship that won’t last — leaving you as the one who lost the most. There will be people who take advantage of your generosity. And there will be people who simply can’t give to you, what you give to them.
Learn to be alone. If your partner or friend is not responsive to the attention and time you give, take a step back. I won’t sugarcoat it, it sucks and it’s confusing. You feel like you are letting the relationship fizzle out. Give them time, give yourself time. And if they don’t reach out and work to keep the relationship going and change to fix it, I promise it is for the best. You can’t keep giving yourself, if they are not willing to do the same.
Don’t stop giving though. Channel the strong emotions into a form of expression, something that you can fill yourself up with. I write or redesign my room. For me, having something complete works to let go of my confusion and hurt when a relationship becomes too much over-giving or ends. Surround yourself with people who fill you up, the same way you fill them up. Find friends who remind you of how magical you are. Invest your energy with those who have been beside you through it all. Enter relationships honestly, with your partner and yourself. Learn who you are and what is and isn’t healthy for you.
Cook Counseling Center Information:
Main Office:
Cook Counseling Center
McComas Hall, RM 240, Virginia Tech
895 Washington St. SW
Blacksburg, VA 24061
Phone: 540-231-6557
Fax: 540-231-2104
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