Spotting a professional victim is easy, unless you’re the one playing the part. Let’s unpack the signs.
We all know a professional victim, the person who makes every minor inconvenience into a personal attack. The person who has a victim complex and turns everything onto anyone but them. They are the people who believe everything is happening to them, but nothing is ever their fault. If you don’t think you know anyone like that… I hate to say it, but it might just be you. Let’s talk…
What is a Professional Victim?
The true definition of a professional victim as written by PsychCentral, Healthline, and even Wikipedia:
“Someone who consistently sees themselves as the wrong party in every situation. Deflecting blame, accountability, and often exaggerate how much others have hurt or wrong them”
These people tend to live in a permanent main character crisis mode, always with the mindset that everyone else is a. out to get them, b. a villain, c. jealous, or d. a backstabber. Psychologists tend to call this a victim mentality. This kind of behavior/personality usually can stem from insecurity and/or trauma. They may think they’re innocent, but they are really just annoying (and exhausting to be around).
What are the signs and how to spot one?
If someone’s entire personality happens to revolve around being wronged or drama, you’re probably dealing with a professional victim. You know how people have emotional support water bottles and stuffed animals? Professional victims have something similar… emotional support grudges.
This behavior goes way further than day to day complaining like “OMG, I had the worst day.” We are looking at a pattern. A personality. A lifestyle. According to psychologists these people display consistent thought patterns like blame-shifting, helplessness, and a refusal to take any kind of responsibility even if they are clearly wrong. Here’s the signs and how to spot one:
- They never take accountability for their actions. They tend to twist the story a million different ways before admitting any fault. (Always an angel)
- They turn every minor (or sometimes major) inconvenience into a personal attack, and when it’s clearly not about them…
- They are the main character in every sob story and every drama. Even if someone happens to be venting, somehow the professional victim will turn the conversation onto them (annoying, everything isn’t a competition).
- They absolutely refuse to accept any kind of help or advice. When you make any suggestions, they completely shut down. FYI they aren’t looking for a solution, they’re looking for sympathy.
- They believe they have zero control over anything… Everything “happens” to them and instead of making choices they stay stuck in that mentality
- They claim to “hate drama” but are always involved in it. This one is self-explanatory, I think we all know someone like that…
- “No one understands what I go through.” A phrase often used to make excuses or justify their current behaviors.
So maybe it’s you… How to avoid being one or maintaining a friendship with one
Okay, so maybe some of you reading are thinking this may be hitting a little too close to home. Maybe you have experienced a victim era (or maybe even a semester, or life). Everyone, me included, has had these moments of spiraling and blaming the universe (or anyone else) for unfortunate circumstances happening in our lives.
There is one defining difference between having a moment and living in this victim role. What’s the difference? Awareness.
So, if you’ve just realized that you constantly throw your own pity parties and irritate everyone, here’s how to fix it.
- Recognize the pattern. If every situation is thinking that bad things only happen to you, maybe there’s a reality check in your future (life isn’t always fair)
- Flip the script. Ask “What Now?” instead of “Why Me?”. Shift the mindset of being helpless, you’re not powerless, you’re just stuck in a pity plot. Let’s rewrite it.
- Accept help (and use it). Don’t ask if it is just going in one ear and out the other. Professional victims reject solutions. Stop looking for pity, look for growth.
- Own your Ls. Everyone takes an L sometimes… whether it’s missing deadlines, ignoring red flags, failing tests. Sometimes these mistakes are on you. Take full accountability, it’s mature and honestly a power move.
Next let’s talk about how to handle your professional victim friends:
- Set Boundaries (seriously). Being supportive of your friends does not mean you have to absorb the emotions and energy of others. Make it know that you are there for them, but don’t only want to talk about drama. Offer a discussion about solutions
- Don’t get dragged into the pity party. Remember you’re a friend, NOT a therapist. Just because they’re friends doesn’t mean you have to let their spiral stress you out. Protect your peace!!
- Lead by example. Accountability is contagious. The more honest and self-aware you are, the more space you allow for healthy conversations (and way less rants and phone calls).
Let’s wrap this up. You’re allowed to be dramatic and have bad days. You’re also allowed to ugly cry over relationships and school. But if your entire personality is based on being wronged by the world, it’s time for a big change. You’re not the villain, but you’re also not always the victim. Take a deep breath, own your mistakes, and move forward. Help yourself and others by inviting self-awareness, growth, and healing into your life. Now let’s go be the main character!