None of us can deny it. There is a blatant stereotype when it comes to girls in a relationship. Clingy, annoying, demanding, and who could forget the never-ending degrading texts asking “Where are you?” “What are you doing?” “Are you ignoring me?” In reality, there is nothing wrong with asking these questions. But circumstance is everything and determines how negative or aggressive those three simple phrases may be.
There is a fine line between concerned and out-of-this-world toxic and it is extremely easy to cross. I do not deny that the intentions may be caring but that doesn’t mean they aren’t also scary.
I have known a number of girls that have taken things too far in the affection department, but as I have gotten older, I have also seen quite a few guys do the same on a much more extraordinary level. Somehow those turn into something much darker than the times when girls take it too far. It becomes the girl-in-a-relationship stereotype on steroids, so to speak.
Personally, I do not like the expression “the girl in the relationships.” I find it sexist and degrading. Nonetheless, I can’t deny that it is a widely known stereotype and regrettably, explains my point rather well.
Both men and women can be extremely abusive but this one is for the girls going through the torture of abuse, being told it’s love.
There are a lot of great guys out in the world. But for every good, there is at least one bad. So when something precious turns toxic, how do we open our eyes and actually see what’s happening? What is okay and what isn’t?
I would be surprised to meet someone who hasn’t experienced some sort of relationship abuse in the past. Accusing someone of abuse can have extreme consequences so it is understandable that people tend not to want to refer to any sort of relationship with another person as abusive. But the word ‘abusive’ covers a broad spectrum and doesn’t always have to be the worst-case scenario. People’s minds tend to go straight towards physical abuse and that isn’t the case nearly as often as it mental abuse.
We are young and still learning quite a lot. In all likelihood, we will end up hurting the ones we aim to love no matter how hard we try. Every relationship is different so we have no choice but to figure it out as we go along.
A love interaction with another person is something quite a few people want in their lives. Being close to someone can be a wonderful time but it can also quickly become a lethal obsession or dependence. Sometimes, the intense emotion between two people is based on them repeatedly hurting one another
In a world where a like or comment can show interest or affection, we now have a million more ways to hurt one another, intentional or not.
When it comes to girls, we all have our young naive moments in early relationships. We make mistakes and that’s okay but from those mistakes, we are able to learn. The times when we chose to validate our harmful behavior, are the times that catalyze relationships that evolve into something dangerously toxic.
Often times, it takes quite a lot of pain before it’s understood what is actually happening. All the little things begin to add up and have major consequences.
The biggest issue with recognizing toxic relationships from within is that the one receiving the abuse usually knows something is wrong but doesn’t want to believe it. No one wants to admit their partner is hurting them instead of loving them. It’s embarrassing and degrading. The simple idea that your relationship is abusive is almost as painful as some of the abuse itself.
Friends and family see all the side effects and consequences but no matter how hard they might try to help their loved one, there is very little they can really do until they themselves, are ready to admit there is something abusive or at the very least, toxic about the relationship they’re in.
You may be reading this for future reference because you are trying to help a friend or maybe you’ve even been thinking something is up in your own relationship.
I’m not here to trash anyone, but there comes a point when you need to be honest with yourself. This is crucial to being able to handle things in the very best way possible.
Step away from the relationship and try to see things as unbiased as possible. Think of the issues or bumps that have come up and do your absolute best not to excuse any of them. There may have been things that seemed rational at the time but this is likely because they were rationalized for you by your partner, in which case, you definitely should definitely include them no matter how strongly convinced you are that it was okay.
Like anything with relationships, this is much easier said than done. If you aren’t even sure you need to be looking back on everything, start by looking at your own behavior. You may not even realize it but you’ve probably been expressing quite a few things that indicate the treatment you’re receiving.
Over the years, the most common thing I have seen revolves around priorities. There is no reason not to prioritize your boyfriend if he is good to you AND can return the favor. But there should be a limit to his priority. Do you push away your friends and family? If you think no, do your friends and family accuse you of pushing them out or not prioritizing them? You may think you’re being fair to everyone but in all likelihood, if someone is saying something along these lines, you’re missing the bigger picture.
Another commonality seems to be canceling plans with people that are not your partner or blowing off work for your partner. This isn’t the worst thing in the world but does tend to be the beginning of the end. This is usually a lead-up to more extreme versions of isolation and irrational emotional dependency.
Avoiding friends just because he might call or text is a sign of major emotional dependency that takes away your individual freedom and could very quickly affect your mental health. The more you look to that one person to keep your emotional stability up, the more power they have over you and there is no telling what they could do with it.
What about the more extreme consequences? Does he decide your actions and feelings for you? In order for him to be happy and have confidence in your relationship, do you always have to be available to him 24/7?
Remember that irrational emotional dependency I mentioned a moment ago? When these things happen, and you constantly need to hear from your partner, no matter the circumstance, their trust in you and your relationship now only stems from you being at their beck-and-call. If you aren’t available, they may accuse you of cheating, ignoring and anything they can come up with just to validate themselves. Both partners need to feel seen in a relationship so I understand the inclination to want to be recognized constantly by your partner. The issue is, when it reaches a degree as extreme as this, there is no trust whatsoever.
Lack of trust in a relationship is like an ax to a tree. It cuts away at it over and over again, until it falls and destroys everything in its path.
The issues mentioned above can be worked with. But there is a major difference between working on them and just mentioning them and then letting it go. If you see some of these things in your relationship it is time to take action before anything else starts happening. Stand up for yourself and be clear: your relationship is good and there is no need to be constantly together or talking. Having lives outside of one another makes a relationship that much stronger and worthwhile.
Unfortunately, a lot of couples ignore these signs and pretend they are happy. It’s easier than confronting the truth. As girls, we tend to be a lot more forgiving and willing to overlook the things we really shouldn’t.
He should never be able to take something you care about away from you. He should never be allowed to hold your relationship over your head. He cannot threaten to take it away from you as a compromise for you to comply. This is the modern age and we are not complacent women. If that is his chosen method of communication, the absolute best advice I can give is this: let him. Tell him to take his arrogance and leave because you can do so much better and find someone who doesn’t take you for granted.
The only reason for this kind of behavior I have ever been able to find is entertainment. It gives him a rush of power and authority to be able to say, “Well, if you can’t agree with me then maybe we should take a break.” “If you can’t see what you did was wrong then, then maybe I should rethink why I’m with you.” “I do not think I can trust you. I do not know what I’m doing with you, this is pointless.” Those are quotes, in case you were wondering.
If you’ve heard anything along those lines then you need to go back and look at where you started and where you are now. Generally, relationships do not start out corrupted but they can very easily turn out that way.
Every relationship is different so if you can remember back to the beginning and remember the good times and believe there is still a chance, then I encourage you to try and salvage things. But please, do not forget your limits and understand that salvaging a relationship is going to take a lot more than a conversation and promises to do better.
There is one promise, however, that you should make: if things do not get better or even change at all, then you need to promise yourself you will do the right thing and move on. Life isn’t going to slow down and the more you waste your heart and all your energy on something that is detrimental and failing, the more you miss out on the world around you.
He might be the first but he won’t be the last so do not settle for so little when you could have so much more.
