If you’ve ever known me, you’d know that I have one fatal flaw, my Achilles’ heel, so to speak. The flaw? I’m a control freak. Everything needs to be within my grasp at all times — and I refuse to budge. If I can’t have absolute control, then everything will go wrong.
What does that really mean? How can someone crave control all the time? Well, growing up, I was always a leader. I was the kid on the playground setting up games, the student of every group giving others a job to do, the friend who made all of the plans. Everything I ever did was under my watchful eye and no one ever questioned it.
Until I got my first job.
When I began working, I realized that I no longer had the control I thought I did. Everything I did, wanted to do and should’ve done was all carefully crafted by my supervisor. If I wanted to work on a project, it had to be approved by her first. If I wanted to take a break, she chose when I could take that break. If I so much as wanted to change when I worked, she chose when I would work. I no longer had the authority that I thought I did. Everything I’d learned about life was being ripped from my hands and torn to shreds. I quickly learned that I wasn’t the 16-year-old who was able to boss everyone around anymore. I was the 20-year-old who was being told what to do.
As I struggled to regain the power over my life, pieces of it began to unravel. The Living Learning Community I joined no longer needed me. My classes were passing by faster and faster. My life was moving more rapidly than I could comprehend. All I did was spiral and cling to the little bit of sanity I had while my life turned to shambles.
It wasn’t until I resigned from my job that I realized how bad things had gotten. My head was turned so backwards I couldn’t tell wrong from right. I made huge mistakes at work, at school and at clubs. The responsibilities I neglected are coming back to bite me and the relationships I strained are being mended slowly. What I failed to see in my mess was that I was the problem.
I thought that every mistake showing up could’ve been solved if I was in power. I believed that, in some other reality, I could be the god of my own world and be perfect. However, perfection comes at a cost. Control comes with a cost.
I’ve come around to the fact that I’m not going to always have authority over the opportunities I have in my life. More often than not, I’ll have to take the backseat and accept where the car is going. I’ve needed to learn that it’s not always about the destination, but how you get there. When you finally let go, you begin to enjoy where you’re going.
In this week alone, I’ve shed more tears than I’d like to admit. I’ve admitted to my fears about the future and about where my life is headed; I’ve even had to accept that my head isn’t as clear as I’d like it to be. However, the fog isn’t so bad and I’ve never felt so free.