Ah anxiety; I thought I’d seen the last of you.
I thought I said goodbye to you back in junior year of high school after I let you take over my life for a while. I thought I figured out why you kept showing up and I thought I got rid of you for good.
You crossed my mind again when I got closer to going away to school. I thought about how being in an unfamiliar place might bring you back. I thought about how I’d have to force myself to try to get over you again and how much harder it would be to do that in college. The comfort of familiar surroundings and familiar people would be absent for the first time in my life.
Move-in day came and went and while I was filled with more emotions than I’ve ever been filled with on that day, anxiousness was not the most prominent of those feelings. I felt confident that I had conquered you.
First semester flew by and I didn’t have a single anxiety attack. I got stressed out and I got nervous but you never even came close to showing yourself again. I even threw away those natural calming oil drops that my mom gave me in case of an emergency.
Then something switched second semester.
You’ve started to gradually show yourself again. I don’t know why, maybe I’m just stressed out but I can’t think of any real reason why you felt that you were invited to come back into my life.
I knew you were coming back when I started to feel anxious before class. That feeling I knew so well of waking up in the morning feeling nauseous with no appetite is showing itself again. It’s hard enough to wake up and go to class as it is and now that you’re here it’s nearly impossible. I am constantly exhausted, not from lack of sleep, but from the toll that you take on my body.
Some nights you wake me up in a fit of trembling and cold sweats. My chest becomes heavy and I have no choice but to lay there and try to breathe until I completely drain myself of all energy.
Do not for a second think you’ve won though. You may have come back into my life but I’ve embraced you. I’ve accepted that you’re something I’ll always have to deal with but that’s the thing; I can deal with you. You’re inconvenient and you waste my time but I’m learning how to manage you. The everyday obligations that come with being a college student help distract me from you. While you occasionally prevent me from accomplishing my tasks, every accomplishment I make despite your existence is a small victory and I know that I will continue to make these small victories.