All breakups suck, but a breakup in college can be especially hard. For most people who are away from their close family and friends while at college, going through a breakup can often feel very lonely in this pivotal stage in our lives. For most people, college is a huge time for firsts: first parties, first time without their parents, and for most, it’s their first real relationship and sometimes the first breakup.
My first ever “real” relationship started in the spring semester of my freshman year of college when I met my now ex-boyfriend. We met in a class we had together and really hit it off. Shortly after, we began dating. We had our ups and downs like any other relationship but stayed together through it all because we really truly cared for one another, and, up until now, we had been together for two years. Recently, we had a falling out and things just weren’t going back to how they used to be, so we broke up. To say I am devastated is an understatement. My ex-boyfriend was not only my boyfriend but my best friend as well, so I feel like I am not only losing a lover but a best friend as well. He was someone that knew everything about me and I told every secret too. He knew things about me that I had never told anyone else.
Because this was my first “real” relationship aside from the random flings I had in high school, I never realized how hard breakups can be, and, to be frank, it honestly makes me never want to be in a relationship ever again. For some, I’m sure they’d argue that all the good times and loving feelings in a relationship are well-worth the possibilities of the relationship ending in heartache, but I just can’t agree with that. I hate this feeling I have of sadness; I feel like I have a rain cloud over my head that is never going to go away. One of the worst parts of this breakup is that the feelings I had for this person are not just going to go away in a few days; it’s going to take months, even year(s) to forget about this person that I feel like I’ve been sharing my life with for the past two years. Getting over this person is going to take a longer time than the entity of the relationship as a whole, and I just can’t do this again.
As hard as a breakup can be, life doesn’t stop. As much as I would love to curl up into a ball under my covers and lie there until I stopped feeling sad, I can’t. I have to continue to go to my classes and work. I have to continue to get up every morning even when I feel like I don’t want that day to happen. I have tried to keep myself busy to distract myself from the pain, but sometimes I feel like this pain is endless. I know adapting back to being single Meagan will happen over time, and when I do I’m sure I’ll barely even remember what life was once like having a significant other. But for reference, this is what I looked like every night for the first week after the breakup:
Now, you may be thinking, “This girl is overreacting and breakups are part of life,” and maybe I am being overly sensitive about this breakup, but I honestly wish for anything that I didn’t feel this way. I wish I could just say, “Thank u, next.” Like Arianna Grande and be onto the next guy. Although, in a way, I am glad that I have all these emotions about this person because it shows that I truly cared for him, and I guess I can be thankful for that.
One of my favorite quotes is, “Is it better to have love and to have lost than to have never loved at all?” I never quite understood this to its entirety until now, having gone through the feelings of intense infatuation and even love, only to have it end by sorrow and regret. My answer is yes because looking back I am so grateful for all the time my ex and I spent together and the fun times we had. In the end, I know that I’m going to be okay and be able to move on eventually, and I know it’s just going to take time. I just wish this time would come faster.
Well, it’s about a week and a half after I wrote everything above. When I re-read what I wrote above I go back to that state of mind I was in. I felt alone and helpless. I honestly felt all the emotions of everything I wrote: hopeless, lonely and unlovable. In that moment of writing and the first week after the breakup, I really believed I would never get over this person I had shared my life with for the past two years. I really thought that I would never want to be with anyone else besides them. I really thought I was going to be alone for a very long time. But, since the breakup, I now feel so much better about the whole situation else and for the first time I feel hopeful and excited. I am excited to see where life takes me and who may come along my path. Now, as much as I want to get a new boyfriend ASAP, I know that letting new relationships and friendships happen naturally is the best thing for a new relationship to blossom from.
If you are going through a breakup yourself, remember that everyone has also gone through a breakup and yes, they suck! But unfortunately, breakups are just a part of finding your right person and one day when you’re married and (maybe) have kids, you’ll be thankful for going through the breakup so that you could find your new person.
Photo credits: Cover photo, 1, 2, 3