Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell anybody that you’re reading this. As far as I’m concerned, you’re totally already over that person.
- Remind
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Start by reminding yourself that you’re human and that wishing for closure you don’t have is totally natural.
It can be hard enough to get over a relationship that did end with a dialogue between both parties, so don’t be unnecessarily cruel to yourself if you keep coming back to a situation where you didn’t feel heard. Remind yourself that your feelings are innately valid, and you don’t need a recipient to agree with that for it to be true. Going over what-if’s can be fun and cathartic but don’t get wrapped up in the idea of finally telling that person what you didn’t get to tell them the first time. So often we go into a situation thinking we’ve already mapped out all the potential outcomes it could have, only to find that we were totally shortsighted. There are only a few universal truths in life, but one of them is that people are unpredictable. Sadly, you may never get the apology or the acknowledgment you want, no matter how flawlessly you deliver the monologue you’ve come up with. Instead of relying on someone who’s already disappointed you to set you free, take that responsibility on yourself. Have that oscar-winning dramatic scene in your head, then distract yourself and don’t come back to it again. Trust me; you nailed your performance the first time.
- Interpret
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Choose to interpret your longing as yearning not for that person but instead for who you were in that period of time. Instead of remembering how much you felt for them, focus on how much you felt. Our individual capacities for love are beautiful and longing for a moment in which you felt free to express that capacity is never something to feel shame over. Especially if you don’t have anyone else occupying that space you used to pour your energy into, it can be really easy to feel a little lesser than. If that’s the case, pour that love into yourself. Re-listen to the songs you were obsessed with during that time period and rebrand them as iconic staples of an era, not of a relationship. Your first instinct might be to steer clear of the things you shared with that person, but my advice is to do the opposite. Delve so deep into that interest that your enjoyment is the primary thing you associate with it.
Just don’t let yourself make it an excuse to reach out to that person you originally enjoyed it with. Instead, find new people you can talk about it with! You’d be surprised how fast friendships can form when you’re both fans of the same guilty pleasure show.
- Recognize
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Recognize that while things definitely needed to end, that doesn’t mean there weren’t moments that were good. Sometimes we do more damage to our healing process trying to completely erase a period of our lives than just allowing it to exist in our past. Forcing everything into a binary of good/bad is not only minimizing but unrealistic. Reminiscing over fond memories can be healthy if done in the right way: that is, by acknowledging that those good moments are frozen in time. So long as you recognize that it’s impossible for anybody in them to be that exact same way again, you are free to enjoy.
Just remember to put the pictures back in the box at the end of the day– you have new memories to make.
- Empathize
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Finally, practice empathy for yourself by understanding that two things can be true at once. For better or for worse, growth is uncomfortable, and sometimes we come out of hard situations feeling raw or jaded. You can wish you hadn’t learned those lessons in the painful way you did without denying the fact that you did need to learn them.
You can miss the person you were before, who might’ve looked at the world through rose-colored glasses, without hating the stronger, wiser person she’s growing into.
Healing takes time but never forget you’re worthy of it.