All my life, I have known I had a learning disability. It was never a secret, and it never upset me. I knew it was just something that I had to deal with, so I did. I was always talking in class. I would get random spurts of energy, and I could not sit still. In middle school, my parents and I decided to give medication a try. It worked instantly. I was doing better in school. I was getting my work done on time. I wasn’t talking during class and was all around more focused. I felt really good about how I was doing in school, but I didn’t really feel like myself.
I was not laughing as much. I had a hard time sleeping. I was moody and wasn’t as outgoing. I was losing parts of myself at the cost of getting good grades. So, after four years of being medicated, at the beginning of high school, I decided to stop taking my meds, and I haven’t taken them since. It has definitely been hard discovering how I learn. I have to give myself time to learn things and also time to get distracted. After my sophomore year, I finally figured out the best way for me to learn—then COVID-19 hit.
I felt like I was thrown into an academic black hole. Everything I taught myself about how to learn in a classroom was thrown out the window. There was no structure — just me, myself and my computer screen. I didn’t know where to start. I thrive off of lectures, being in class and making friends I can ask questions to. I missed seeing my professors’ faces. My sense of academic community came to a screeching halt, and it was suddenly everyone for themselves while we all tried to desperately stay afloat. I found myself thinking back to when I was medicated, and I began thinking if it was worth it to do it again, for the sake of academic success. To be completely honest, I’m still thinking about it.
It’s really easy at times to feel like I’m not as smart, not as driven or not trying as hard as other people just because it’s more difficult for me, but I think we need to give ourselves more credit. There is no way you could have prepared to be thrown into the world of online learning, and there is no reason you need to have it all figured out right now. Sitting in your room, staring at a screen all day is not a cakewalk for anybody, learning disability or not, and I think that professors and classmates need to acknowledge that. I’m slowly starting to get a handle on what works for me again because the reality of it all is that we don’t know when we’ll be back in a classroom again. Â
Medication was not for me. It works wonders for others, but I have had to find new ways to control my ADHD in the world of online learning. I want this to serve as a reminder to celebrate your small victories because you are not alone in trying to adjust.