She’s the girl who seems to love life, and live it to the fullest. You watch her from afar exploring life around her, and you can see that she loves her adventures. Whether this is a roadtrip across the country or even just a wild night in, she puts passion into every little thing that she does. She seems to overcome every hurdle with ease, and it’s almost like the is indestructable. You know her to be the strong one, conquering hardships in life with a brave face.
She’s the girl that is always smiling and laughing. It’s the kind of laugh that warms your soul, the one that you know is genuine. Her happiness is contagious because you are able to see it take over her body. She grins ear to ear, and feels everything so deep within her. When she is happy, you are happy too. She spreads this feeling everywhere she goes, and does her best to make sure that everyone around her are happy.
She is the girl who gains her energy from being around people. The life of the party, constantly hanging out with friends, and making new ones on the way. She is able to adjust to any situation and make a connection with every person she meets. Even on her worst days she’s at her best. You admire the way she puts herself out there, even at the grocery store she makes a connection with the cashier. Walking around campus you two are bound to run into someone she knows. She is friends with everyone, and everyone loves her.
But she is also the girl battling depression.
You don’t see the battles she is fighting. Constantly fighting for her happiness. Every day, hour and second.
She may love life still, but it is taking every ounce of her being to fight for it. Getting out of bed in the morning to start her day is always the first battle. You would think that this is the hardest part, but every second is equally draining. She gets ready and preps herself for another day of faking it. Giving herself pep-talks in the mirror, “you can do this” she says. She picks out her favorite outfits to make herself feel better because is constantly challenging the idiology of look good feel good. Insecurities still overwhelm her.
She goes on adventures in hope of feeling something other than constant sadness or nothing at all. She wants to feel the blood run through her veins, her heart race with adrenaline. She wants to know that she is fully alive because there are some nights she forgets. She has gotten used to ignoring the pain, and holding back the tears so she has become compeltely numb. The things that use to overhwelm her with joy no longer do, she’s just there.
Though she is putting up a facade, her laughs are still genuine. She still thinks that episode of New Girl is hysterical, and she still laughs at all your jokes because they really are funny. It’s just different. She only feels that way for a moment, it no longer stays with her. It is something that takes her mind off the pain. She has gotten really good at making you think everything is okay, so good that sometimes she tricks herself. When she is feeling down she doesn’t even realize that it’s her depression. She is in denial of it all because she has always been the happy one.
She tries her best to open up to her friends, and tells you she is having a bad day. She can never get the words out though, “I’m depressed”. So she says what she can but no one ever realizes, they just think that a bad day is simply a bad day. You never really think past that, you never connect the dots that every other day is a “bad day”. You never think that the sadness she feels could be rooted so deep that she is struggling to even talk to you. That there is something bigger behind it all. She has too much pride to ever confide in you because she is the girl who is happy. She is the outgoing, go-lucky, cheerful girl you all know to love. How is she supposed to take that away from you? She can’t, so she continues to mask it all.
So while she fights for you to keep your friend, she is losing herself. The next time she tells you she is having a bad day, don’t ignore it. The next time her smile seems a little off, ask about it. The people that you would never expect to struggle, do.