Although, the love that our parents have for us is unconditional but it is not perfect.
Like many of us, I was taught that the love my parents have for me is boundless, but sometimes there are experiences that I cannot describe nor process. I grew up as an immigrant along with my family who work hard from paycheck to paycheck in order to live up to the idea of American dream. Often, my parents are too busy trying to survive rather than living and thriving. These factors add on with the fact that they grew up during the war so they did not have the tools and resources to help them know how to love us in the right way. Due to these circumstances, I found myself struggling to express my love and connect with others emotionally and physically.
Despite all the success and fulfillment I have in life, I still find my soul empty, feeling superficial and lost in many relationships that I have with others. If you are feeling what I was feeling growing up, chances are, you are or were affected by Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) – Childhood Emotional Deficiency, a psychological trauma that’s not widely-discussed in our society but quite a lot of people experience it.
Childhood Emotional Neglect: What is an emotional deficiency in childhood?
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), or emotional deficiency in childhood, is when a parent or caregiver is not meeting a child’s emotional needs adequately. An example of a CEN is when a child tells a parent about what happened at school but is being dismissed. Gradually, the child will think their feelings are not important and stop sharing with their parents.
This is completely different from Emotional Abuse, since parents have no intention of neglecting or harming a child’s emotions, and emotional abuse is an intentional act of using one’ emotions (criticize, blame, put down) to manipulate the other person.
Parents who emotionally neglect a child can still provide all the essential needs such as accommodation, education, health care, etc. They love their child, but often they end up forgetting to care about their children’s emotional well-being; this can include asking them about how they are feeling with school, work, relationship, etc.
Signs if a person has been going through CEN
It is hard to recognize if one is experiencing childhood emotional neglect, maybe the child themselfdoes not know their feelings have been abandoned because it is not an obvious harm. As the child is growing up then gradually forgetting about superficial emotional connections with their parents. CEN may not create painful wounds but leaves a void in the child’s mind. It can cause many adults to encounter difficulties in their life emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Dr. Jonice Wepp, who has worked extensively on CEN, has listed some common signs of childhood emotional neglect in “Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect” as follows:
- Evaluate yourself more harshly than others.
- Having difficulty understanding and expressing emotions.
- Often frustrated or angry with yourself for no reason or very small reason.
- Feel lonely, even when you’re with other people.
- Feeling out of place between family and friends.
- Seeing yourself as always standing by and looking at.
- Feeling empty or emotionless.
- Feeling that something is wrong about yourself and fearing that if others notice it, they will leave you.
- It’s difficult to control your emotions, so it’s difficult to comfort yourself when you’re sad.
- Highly independent, sometimes having difficulty asking for or receiving help.
- Recognized as cold and difficult to contact.
- Often sad but for unknown reasons.
- Worry about your inability to complete your tasks, work or personal life.
- Having trouble recognizing your own strengths and weaknesses.
- Unable to commit to your goals and routines as you find it difficult to feel motivated.
People experiencing CEN may have many of these symptoms. But this is not a diagnostic list and is not always true for everyone.
How does it affect people’s lives?
Childhood experiences affect everyone differently and the effects can change over time.
In children, it is relatively difficult to discern an emotional deficiency. When you are at the age of physical, mental and other personal development, the emotional gap will be an obstacle in the path of self-improvement. They will not feel very fulfilled with the things around them, conceal their emotional needs, lost in their own world when they are forgotten by their parents. Severe struggles with stress, anxiety, depression…
Adults who experience CEN may lack the ability to recognize, understand, process, and express emotions. Because emotional needs are not being met when they are children, they have feelings about not being good enough.
Besides, due to the lack of uncertainty in their self-perception, they are more likely to have difficulty finding their ego. A person with childhood emotional deficits also risks becoming a parent who neglects their children’s emotions if they fail to realize what has happened to them and seek healing.
CEN affects everyone differently, with siblings and foster parents as well. There are many factors that influence this difference including gender, personality, birth order, age when a family event occurs, sensitivity, or individual abilities. For example, in some families, girls are more likely to express their emotions than boys; this is often due to the patriarchal society we live in where boys are discouraged to express their emotions and feelings because expressing emotions show signs of weakness. This shows us that the cause of childhood emotional neglect is intersectional where one’s social identity such as race, class and gender do affect on how they are being treated by society.
Is it the Parents’ fault?
There are many reasons for parents to forget and neglect their children’s emotional well-being. Some examples include the following: the parents did experience childhood emotional neglect while growing up, they were busy with work, or they had their own unhealed traumas. According to Dr. Jonice Wepp, the following types of parents are often forsaking children’s emotional well-being:
- Overbearing parents: asking the child to abide by a rule or limit they set.
- Easy parents: let the child be undisciplined.
- Narcissistic parents: only care about their own problems and the child must not harm their appearance.
- Absence of parents: absent from the child’s growing up.
- Disappointed parents: making the child too perfect to be so they don’t have to worry.
- Parents who suffer from addictions.
- Perfectionist parents: have high expectations of the child.
- Parents with personality disorder: which make it difficult for them to care for others on the emotional aspect.
In my own experiences, my parents are survivors of war and colonialism, and they were given barely or no tools to learn how to love themselves. On top of that, they weren’t taught how to raise and love their children. My parents had a lack of mental health resources as soon as they arrived in America, which prevented them from being able to heal their ost traumatic stress disorder and other forms of traumas.
In the event that the parent does not perform well, such as the caregiver’s ability to care (including providing emotional stability, security, etc.), the child will expect to be “aging before their actual age,” aka premature maturation, characterized by having to take care of themselves or unconsciously taking on the role of the parents in the family. Gradually, they tend to over-embrace and take themselves lightly. They often feel loneliness, emptiness, and a lack of connection.
So is it all the parents’ fault? What if the parents realized what they did? Whatever the reason, blaming doesn’t make parents or children feel better, especially when they don’t intentionally neglect their child’s feelings.
It’s Time for Us to Take Care of our Inner Child and its Childhood Experiences
The healing journey has never been simple, especially when it comes to our childhood traumas. To comfort one’schildhood experiences, they can start with these steps:
1. Understanding and accepting yourself: Look back in the memory of your childhood and examine reality to get a concrete view of the degree of CEN’s influence on yourself.
2. Respect your emotions, needs, wants: Be more tolerant of yourself, share your needs or set clear boundaries when connecting with others.
3. Begin to express: When you begin to express your thoughts, feelings, and respect, your relationships and interactions with family, friends and colleagues also change.
4. Practice comforting yourself: Experiencing CEN makes you not want to rely on others, so learning to comfort yourself is an important step in creating your emotional stability and security.
5. Seek out a therapist and other mental health supports: See a therapist if you notice any signs of feelings, thoughts, actions or routines that are negatively affecting your mental health or your life in general.
It is time that we break down the stigma surrounding mental health. Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is intersectional as it would affect each and individual of us differently in a multidimensional way. Although this can happen to each of us, we can find ways to heal as these experiences only there to shape us not to define us. Healing is not a straight line, healing does not take in one place and one time as it can be differently for everyone; this can be frustrating but it does get better daily as we continue to heal oursevles even when we don’t vividly notice it. Remember that each of us is unique and resilient in our own way so don’t forget to take care of your well-being and don’t hesitate reaching out to resources and support systems.