Since the beginning of time, social climbers have been a part of communities. But for some reason, having one as a friend makes us furious. How do we handle this phenomenon, where did it come from, and what is it exactly?
What are social climbers?
Oxford Languages defines a social climber as âa person who is eager to gain a higher social statusâ. It is commonly used as a derogatory term for people who seem to prioritize social status over genuine connections. They arenât oriented towards finding deep, meaningful friendships; instead, they opt to build connections that may bring them closer to prestige and power. Friendship, in this case, becomes a tool. In a social climber’s mind, the question is always âWho can I benefit from next?â The overarching fact is that this mindset does not make people âevil,â but rather reflects deep insecurities and strategic thinking.
However, this way of forming connections tends to take its toll on the social climberâs inner circle. This occurs because they crave the safety net of having them, yet are deeply afraid of being stuck. All of this results in the social climberâs connections being deeply tainted by a desire to do better, get better, and stay on top.
Has our society always had these âsocial climbersâ who vie to enjoy the fruits of being at the top? The answer is deeply rooted in human history. In early human groups, survival was entirely dependent on proximity to leaders and resource holders. Becoming close to high-status individuals meant being able to live with stability: protection, food, and mating opportunities. As history progressed into more rigid societies, such as feudalism, oneâs status became, for the most part, fixed. This worked to limit status anxiety, as there was little to no economic mobility. However bad someoneâs position was, it was fixed, and people did not compare themselves to people who could replace them. The real key to the spike in status anxiety lies in commercialization and urbanization, which have made societies more economically mobile. With markets expanding, cities growing, and money beginning to matter more than birth itself, status has become highly contestable. This is where all the anxiety begins to form. Modern societies turn the idea of status into brands, think of luxury products and limited access; follower counts and resumes. Social climbing used to be a subtle art, but it has now become loud and constant.
Outside of the historical lens, though, is the question of how social climbing transitioned from a socioeconomic phenomenon to one that now infuriates us in friendships. When we can clearly see our friends putting on a facade for someone they deem âcoolâ and starting to tear us down, it can facilitate a lot of anger and hurt. The anger that we feel is not about the social climberâs ambition, which, as humans, we actually tend to admire, but instead for the perceived violation of the invisible contract that dictates a friendship. In this invisible contract, friendship assumes respect for one another, comparative equality, and, of course, being appreciated for who you are rather than what you offer. A social climber breaks the illusion. Itâs someone who tears you down one second, and perks up the second you have a connection or resource that they think might benefit them. Once you feel that you are being used in a friendship, your entire nervous system reacts, catalyzed by emotion. You may feel disgust and even betrayal or contempt. All in all, it feels very dehumanizing. To the social climber, you arenât even seen as a person, but rather just a rung in the social ladder they are so desperately trying to climb.
the effect on us
Thereâs also a mirror effect. When we encounter social climbers, we are forced to confront our own status anxieties about where we stand. Are we not good enough for the social climber that they feel as though they must go out and find better? Even people who hate social climbers with a passion still care about where we stand. This only serves to make us angrier.
How to handle it
Handling this phenomenon is no easy feat. Social climbers usually begin as one of our closest friends and tend to morph into selfish people who barely resemble the friend you once knew. The first step, the hardest by far, is reframing the relationship. Not everyone in your life can be a ârealâ friend, and thatâs okay. Maybe this friend is just an ally, or an acquaintance, or maybe even a transactional contact. The real problems seem to arise when we expect intimacy from someone who is playing a strategic game. It is challenging, especially when you knew this person before they became a social climber, but at some point, their behavior slips out of your control. The second step is to set boundaries. There is no need to expose or even punish them. Itâs as simple as just stopping your emotional over-investing in this person. They donât deserve it. Share less, expect less, and try to observe more.
Third, itâs up to you to decide what you want to tolerate. Social climbers can be opportunistic and not have bad intent, however others very well may. The social climber will stop emotionally investing in you once your usefulness dips. If the pattern is consistent, it is time to also stop investing.
Lastly, donât allow the social climberâs values to taint your own. The way to combat social climbing is not by pretending your status doesnât matter, rather you combat it through refusing to trade your character for respect or proximity to power.Â
Social climbers are an unfortunately natural part of how humans have evolved and function. They make us upset and feel betrayed because they tend to blur the invisible line between connection and exploitation. The solution is not anger, though, instead itâs simply the closure of knowing who someone is. It is knowing what game they are playing, and whether you want to be on that board at all.Â