“Api” or “Apu” are Bangla words that mean older sister. I grew up being called Api by my little brother and the younger kids in our hometown’s tight-knit Bengali community. “Api” is so much more than a term; it stands for unconditional love and sacrifice.
A Sisterhood of My Own
Being an older sister without having a sister of your own has its perks. Without a “built-in best friend,” you find yourself holding onto your female friendships more closely. You appreciate their value and importance because you weren’t born with these connections. You have to build these bonds yourself from scratch. I also love being a big sister. Even though my brother is in his “angsty teenager who hates his sister” phase, I can’t imagine not helping him with his problems and offering advice when he needs it. But sometimes, I do think it’s ironic that we older sisters have to step into this role without ever knowing what it’s like to have one.
The Void of a Sister
There’s always been a hollow spot in my heart, and I never pinpointed this sister-shaped void until March. It was Eid night, and I had gone out for dinner and dessert with my family friends. It was nighttime, and we drove with the windows down, our bodies crammed tightly together in the small car. Our laughter overpowered the music blaring from the car’s speakers and the wind whistling through the windows. Despite the joy of the moment, all I could think about was how I was the only one without a sister. To me, this drive represented the sisterhood I missed out on. It represented the struggles I faced without an older sister to guide me, teach me how to use makeup, or confide my secrets in. To my family friends, this was just a normal car ride with their sisters.
Learning to Be Her
I’ve spent so much of my life learning how to be the older sister someone else needs that I never realized how much I’ve wanted one of my own. Now that I’m in college, this wish for an older sister is stronger. It’s already challenging being in an unfamiliar place, but it’s even more overwhelming when you feel like you have no one to guide you. Every decision here feels so real, as though one wrong move could make your entire future come crashing down. When I study for my midterms late at night or stress about something I really shouldn’t have done, I wish someone could reassure me that everything will be okay because she’s been through it herself.
The Sister-shaped Space in My Heart
Thankfully, I haven’t had to navigate everything by myself. I’ve found honorary big sisters in the women who have shown up for me. I think of Nima Apu and Toma Apu, my family friends who came to my high school graduation even though they had work early the next morning. Nima Apu is always a phone call away whenever I have a question about UVA, and she introduces me to her friends, making an unfamiliar place feel more like home. Toma Apu always makes sure I have company when I come back home during breaks, reminding me that people are happy to make time for me. Nabonita Apu, another family friend, calls to confide in me. She trusts me with her thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and I offer myself as her confidant.
Becoming the Sister I Needed
As I still adjust to UVA, I’ve learned to seek out sisterhood. Every time I sit in my friend Zainab’s dorm, next to her on her bed, I think about how it’s one of the closest things to the sister experiences I missed out on. We talk about our lives and exchange secrets. Sometimes I laugh too hard or yell too loud, and she shushes me. Even though it’s because she’s an RA trying not to wake up her residents, I like to pretend like it’s because we’re sisters trying not to wake our parents up.
A Love Not Born, but Built
It would be nice to have a biologically related sister, but the sisterhood I’ve built for myself is enough. I’ve found it in the girls who listen to my secrets, the friends who offer their shoulders to lean on, and the women who guide me through unfamiliar territory with their own experiences. I don’t need to share someone’s childhood to share a meaningful bond with her.
In Search of an Apu
Now, I no longer search for an older sister I wish I had. Instead, I’m still learning to become the sister I’ve always wanted. Thanks to the found family in my life, I’ve learned empathy, selflessness, and what it means to be cared for because someone chose to, out of love, not out of obligation. My love for my sisters has taught me that love is more than a bond we are born into; it’s a connection we choose to nurture with our time, effort, and love.