We all know that abstinence-only sex education doesn’t work because people are going to have sex whether you give them the old “you will get pregnant and die” spiel or not. However, there are 10 specific types of guys that are perfect for an abstinence-only curriculum, as their behaviors are the most effective type of birth control on the market. We’re still waiting on FDA approval, but I can see these personality traits having a better efficacy rate at preventing pregnancy than an IUD.
- Milk drinkers
Anyone over the age of 16 who drinks straight mammal milk is a sociopath, I don’t make the rules. If I see a man drinking milk out of a glass, or god forbid the jug, I’m leaving immediately. Take a gummy vitamin and drink oat milk like the rest of us.
- Flip flop wearers
Think of my love life as an intro chemistry lab: I’m probably failing, and no open-toe shoes allowed. Seeing someone’s toes (especially toes with minimal hygiene) in public makes my hymen grow back stronger than before, making me fully impenetrable. I actually prefer socks with sandals; socks cover the toes, minimize foot sweat, protect from blisters, and give men the sexy aura of an RVA hipster who will inevitably use you as a therapist.
- Owners of semi-automatic weapons
This one is for the men of Central Virginia Tinder: just because you’re Constitutionally allowed to have mass killing machines doesn’t mean you should. If you’re that obsessed with murder, I recommend dabbling in true crime podcasts. A guy with semi-automatic weapons in the house could not only murder me, but murder me 30 times in a row. I’d like to see Hinge add a feature that calculates the probability of massacre on a date, but until that app update is available, I will continue to rely on the presence of murder machines in pictures to tell me when to swipe left.
- Guys that don’t wash their sheets or towels
The worst part about this one is that you only realize this about a man either immediately before or after not being abstinent, so I like to think of this type of guy as a Morning-After-Pill type of situation. I understand that getting a fitted sheet onto a mattress can be quite a burden, but one that we all must bear. If a guy doesn’t wash his sheets or towels, just leave. Do not be lured into the Freudian trap of doing it for them.
- Anyone who wears ribbed “moto” jeans
Yeah, I’m talking about these bad boys. WHOSE pleasure are these ribbed for??? Certainly not mine?
- Guys who are mean to waitstaff
No explanation needed. If you’re mean to the waiter, I’ll be buckling up my chastity belt before you can even think about leaving a 5% tip.
- Taylor Swift haters
I don’t expect everyone to love Taylor Swift, but if a guy hates Taylor Swift, I’m just going to assume he’s active on r/theredpill. Not only is it totally fine if she writes songs about former relationships, but it’s historically a cultural reset when she does. Have the incels listened to the All Too Well bridge? Do they realize what they’re missing?
- Soundcloud rappers
Listen, I want people to pursue their passions… just not like that. I will not be taking questions at this time.
- Guys who identify as “apolitical” on Bumble
How are you supposed to blow my back out if you don’t even have a backbone? Like, okay Mr. Eagle Scout, go find a moral compass and maybe we’ll talk.
- IPA drinkers
To clarify, these are guys who only drink IPAs and make it their entire personality. What Beer Men don’t seem to understand is that nobody actually cares about their specific blend of rotten bread water. They also 100% listen to Rex Orange County or some obscure 90’s ska band you’ve never heard of.
Please remember to always wear a condom in case these birth control methods fail. The last thing you want is a baby wearing ribbed jeans.