You’re sitting alone at the only vacant table in your school’s cafe. Notes are sprawled out in front of you, prepared for the scheduled study group that you’ve planned for your peers. It took hours to perfect them; you went over the study guide so many times that it made you dizzy. Anything to help your classmates (and yourself, of course) pass the exam.
The bell that rings every time the cafe door opens conditions you to look up just in case a classmate walks inside. But each time the door opens, no familiar faces gaze back at you as they search for the designated study table. It’s fine, you think to yourself as you take the final sip of your overpriced cold brew. Classes are still in session, after all. You pick up your phone for the hundredth time, glancing at the three white numbers indicating the time. The study group was scheduled to start 45 minutes ago. You try not to let this bother you, instead blaming it on inconsistent class schedules and the never-ending traffic around campus.
Fifteen more minutes pass. You feel as though the staff of the cafe are now looking at you in silent pity as if they’re aware of your failed plans. You check your phone once again, but this time to glance at your notifications. No older notifications. Suddenly, the cupcake that looked appetizing in the display makes your stomach turn, but it’s really just the sinking feeling of disappointment – a feeling all too familiar in your life.
How do you extinguish the feeling of disappointment when others fail you? For starters, it’s imperative to note that it’s not your fault; part of transitioning into adulthood is quickly learning that not everyone is always going to be reliable, especially college students. A student may be on their way to a planned meetup with friends when suddenly lyrics to a song coming through their AirPods coincidentally remind them that they have a mandatory Zoom meeting for their Bio class. Don’t get me started on the increasing city traffic that we all know (and don’t love). But despite the valid excuses, disappointment can crush your spirits and tarnish the way you feel about others.
Speaking from personal experience, here are some tips to cope with disappointment when people let you down:
1. It isn’t you, it’s them
This can be for a variety of reasons! Let’s face it – college students jump at the idea of joining study groups, especially when their grades are looking kinda rough. But keep in mind that they have other academic obligations that may interfere with that time. Some of your peers may also have social anxiety; they may really want to hang out with you, but their phobia of socialization is legitimately preventing them from linking up for the study group. Life happens, and we’re not always able to maintain consistency with plans.
2. Lower your expectations
If you’re anything like me, this tip is a tough pill to swallow. I’m aware of this, but I still have trouble learning this myself. It’s difficult to not expect everything to fall into place when you have plans set in stone. But you should always go in with a “worst-case scenario” mindset. Live by the words of Sylvia Plath: “If you expect nothing from somebody, you are never disappointed.”
3. Allow yourself to be upset, but then let it go
Tip #3 is another challenging piece of self-realization, but I cannot stress this enough: your feelings are 100% valid. Disappointment is arguably the worst emotion that we experience as humans, which is why it is important to let the feeling pass. If you hold onto the way disappointment makes you feel, it will eat you up inside. You start feeling apathetic towards others, and you’ll resent those around you. Please do not let the negative way they made you feel consume you.
4. Talk out the way you feel with someone close to you
Oftentimes, this person that means a lot to you will help put the situation and your feelings in perspective. Talking to your BFF and/or significant other can allow you to see things for what they really are, which is a great way to regulate your emotions. Even if you don’t want to listen to their advice and you just want to rant instead, voicing your frustrations out loud can give you the clarity as well.
5. Realize that disappointment is a part of life
The last tip is one that I briefly mentioned earlier – people will let you down, time and time again. Humans are not perfect by any means, which inevitably leads to disappointing moments in your life. But you’re not alone! If it’s really eating at you, find ways to cope with the disappointment. Telling the person that disappointed you how you feel will not only help them see where you’re coming from, but you’ll most likely get an explanation for why they did so, clearing the air and giving you their perspective. After all, we’re only able to internalize our individual feelings and not the feelings and thought processes of others.
To be transparent, I started drafting this article in the heat of a disappointing moment in my life. However, every word typed out in front of you was a necessary (and admittedly difficult) process of healing from that disappointment. You have every right to feel upset, but to reiterate, try not to let it consume you. Write about it, cry about it, and let out those negative – and temporary – emotions. Allow them to be temporary, and move forward. Constant disappointment may change the way you feel about someone or something, but the feeling you’re experiencing now won’t last forever.