This is a shout out to the guys who broke me. The first one goes to the one who broke my heart when I was only 14. The one who made “your first love is the sweetest, but your first cut is the deepest” real for me. The one who left me broken, without looking back.
Here’s to not having the balls to tell me you didn’t love me anymore. To ignoring me up to the point where I got fed up and left you myself. To choosing drugs over the girl who loved you with all she had.
You hurt me. You hurt me bad. I was depressed for six months. Music, soccer and the little friends I had got me through what you did to me. I started flunking in school while you were off laughing about it with your friends. Somehow, I still loved you though. I tried and tried, even after you blew me off. I was young and in love.
Now 15, I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I thought I knew what love was because of you. You, the only guy I ever dated, made me think I knew what love was. You were my first love, and sadly my last, for now. Because of you I built up walls. Because of you I became insecure and never believe when a guy tells me I’m pretty or he likes me. Actions speak louder than words, but I guess people seem to forget that.
Junior/Senior year. My first heartbreak comes back to life. What could he possibly want? Doesn’t he know he broke me?
“___________ sent you a friend request.”
Accept.
“I’m sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you. Will you forgive me?” Forgive and forget, right?
Time flew, and I graduated high school. I was only 17 but I just wanted to get out of there. Summer came around and I started my first job. I met a guy. Smart, funny, weird in a good way, the kind of guy I liked. We clicked so well. The first night we hung out, everyone thought we were dating.
Summer flew by, and I got the guts to tell him I liked him.
“You like me? I like you too!” I was so surprised. I had never heard that one before.
Unfortunately though, nothing happened. He was leaving back to college and I was only beginning. He wanted me to meet new people, but I could care less about that.
We stayed in touch, hoping to reconnect during the holidays. Thanksgiving break came around and there was no message, yet he was in town. I was confused. I thought he wanted to hang out during the break? Maybe he’s with family and friends, it’s fine, maybe during winter break.
Winter break came along, again no message or call. Spring semester began, time to go back to meeting new people.
I got a dorm scholarship. Let’s see what living on campus, having a job and being a full time student feels like.
A little overwhelming. I started slacking. I had to quit my job, but hey, I was meeting new people.
I turn 18. Still no message or a call. He must be busy. The day after he sends a message. “Hey, can you spread the word about this?” He must have forgot. He’s a busy guy.
Time passes. Some texts here and there. Summer is around the corner, we can finally hang out. Or so I thought. I couldn’t go back to work where we met because of things that happened the summer before, but hey, at least I have a car now & I can see him.
Saw him maybe once or twice that summer. He gave me one of his shirts when I offered him money & asked him to buy me one from his school.
Is he into me? Is this his way of telling me? Should I ask what we are? I don’t want to sound too forward.
I never asked.
Summer flew by, we went for coffee and talked about life but I never saw him after that night.
A year passed by and the conversation slowly died out.
I was in a different state. Meeting new people like he wanted and having the time of my life. He texts me again.
I was surprised but happy. He mentioned looking at flights and maybe coming to see me.
Is this real? Am I dreaming? I must have read that wrong. I read it again, I wasn’t wrong. Could this mean he’s still into me? He must be. I played it cool and told him to let me know.
He didn’t come see me.
Months went by and we still talked. My time to go back home was coming near. It came sooner than expected.
I was in an accident. I couldn’t stand the pain. I changed my flight and came home a few days early.
“I changed my flight, I’ll be home Monday night instead of Friday night.” Nothing.
He was home, but this time he told me once the day was about to be over. I didn’t understand, why don’t you want to hang out if you’re showing that you like me? Maybe it’s just me, and you don’t really like me.
I saw him a few weeks later. My heart raced. I didn’t know how much I missed him. Did he feel the same? I don’t know, I was too afraid to ask.
I asked a few weeks later after I saw him.
“I met someone and she’s pretty great.”
What? I thought you liked me. You kept asking when I was going back to work and I thought you wanted to see me? You gave me your shirts and you invited me over to hang with your family and friends. I don’t understand.
Two years. Two years of getting a rush every time you texted. Two years of being excited when I was going to see you. Two years of my life liking you, for what? To have my heart crushed once again.
I learned from the first time, it’s better to hide. Why would I want people to see me broken and crying, over a guy who just wasted my time?
No matter how hard I try, I always seem to get hurt. Oh how I wish it was only them two who left me crushed, but unfortunately there was more.
I won’t get into that, because who wants to hear about a boy who made me want to cry?
But as the wise Little Mix girls said, “This is a shout out to my ex. Heard he in love with some other chick. Yeah yeah, that hurt me, I’ll admit Forget that boy, I’m over it.”
See the thing is, it wasn’t just my ex, but boy do the lyrics fit. Oh, I can’t forget about, “Shout out to my ex, you’re really quite the man You made my heart break and that made me who I am. Here’s to my ex, hey, look at me now, well, I’m all the way up, I swear you’ll never bring me down.”