To the Guy Who Thought I Was Nothing

Freshmen year of college, being single, going to frat parties and wanting to find a boyfriend. Those are not good combinations, at least not for me. Why? Because they led me to you. When we first met, I found you cute, funny and charming. You were always making me laugh to the point I would cry. It was great. We had a great start, but it took a turn faster than I realized.

Looking back, your jokes were always at me and not for me. I am ashamed to have thought you were funny. I am ashamed to have thought you were cute. I am ashamed to have had anything to do with you. You never wanted to show off our relationship or even call it a relationship. People told you that you were a lucky guy to be with me, and you would always shrug it off. You addressed my insecurities, like my weight and my annoying laugh. You always talked about other girls and how they looked better than me. You brought me into a deep hole that I am still getting out of, but, even through all of this, I thank you.

Thank you for bringing me to my deepest low where I had to make myself get back up again. It was hard, but I did it. When we ended everything, there was so much weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could finally be myself and not be judged. I could finally do something and not be poisoned by your words. There was nothing holding me back from being me.

Thank you for helping me learn to listen to other people. Everyone told me stories about you. Everyone told me not to trust you. Everyone told me to end it. It was always something I never wanted to be true. Now, I know to listen. I know to be the person who warns other girls about people like you.  

Thank you for making me rebuild my trust. I trusted everyone and everything before you came along. I had an open heart; you made me fix that. I don’t let people in anymore. It was a hard thing to change, but I can’t allow myself to be hurt again. I can’t allow someone to know all my insecurities and then turn around and make fun of them.

Thank you for leading me to the guy that cares. I defended you to him on numerous occasions; he turned out to be right. He helped fix the wound that you created. He is there for me for the things you never cared about. He loves me and shows me off when you were ashamed to do so. He showed me that it’s okay to be emotional, and he doesn’t run away from my feelings.

You have made me cry out of sadness, out of anger and out of shamelessness. You have made me reevaluate my whole life. Ultimately, you have changed the way I see the world. Now, I see good and bad in everyone. I understand that not everyone can see the damage that they can cause. I know that I should wish that you get treated the way you treated me, but I don’t. I wish that you will change. That you will fix the way you see women, fix the way you treat them and fix the way you speak to them. We have emotions and feelings. You have to learn to deal with these things and not just push people away.

Photo by Edu Grande on Unsplash