The Journey Through My Mental Thoughts

Throughout my life, there was always this little voice that lived inside of my head.  It would tell me to fear everything that has happened and could happen. To be anxious of what may happen if I did not do a certain task I felt as though I needed to do.  I cannot remember a time when it did not exist. There were times where it had subsided, and there were times where it grew worse.  But, there was never a time where it was not there.  

When I was 12 years old, I was diagnosed with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder.  I was the typical middle school student: awkward and quiet.  There were a few girls that I thought would be by my side throughout my entire middle and high school years, but I was wrong.  I felt lonely and like I was left out of everything that was going on within in the group.  This caused a trigger that resulted in negative feelings I had never felt before.  I was always anxious and would do certain tasks repeatedly, like washing my hands, because it would relieve my anxiety.  I went to a therapist to get help controlling my anxiety and compulsive tendencies.  Over time, the anxious thoughts had gone away and so had my compulsive behaviors. 

There was a frame of about three years where I felt as though everything was at peace.  However, after those three years things would take a turn.  I was a sophomore in high school and starting to have relationships.  I had made a close group of friends and would hang out with the class above me.  I felt confident in myself that year.  However, when it came to boys I was not.  I was always anxious about if they were going to hurt me.  That year I had met a boy.  I did not see it then, but it would bring back the anxious and compulsive behaviors that I thought were gone for good.  

I was always scared of what girl he was talking to and if I was not cool enough for him. Soon I came to my senses and realized that this just was not going to be good for me, and I freed myself from that relationship.

My anxiety did not start to settle until my junior year.  I had finally met a guy who understood my mental faults and did not see them as a problem or hindrance.  Rather, he saw them as what made me unique and special.  Having someone like that was a major reason why I was finally able to come to peace with my anxious behaviors.  He pushed me and continues to push me to be the best person that I can be every day.  He encouraged me to go to counseling again to make myself feel better and gave me tips on how to control it these tendencies.  

To this day, I still have anxiety.  The major difference is now I have learned to accept that this is who I am.  I learned to come to peace with the idea that many people in the world deal with the same disorders, and that we can all relate to one another. By learning more about my mental faults, I was able to turn them into attributes that make me who I am.  I hope that by telling you about my journey through my mental faults, you too will see them as what makes you perfect in your own way.