My Fifth Grade Bully Ruined my Sex Life

It’s no question that every women faces body issues throughout their lives, which is undoubtedly perpetuated by the unrealistic beauty standards in media today. So, it shouldn’t be a total shock when that lack of confidence infiltrates in the bedroom. Sometimes its insecurity undressing in front of your partner, sometimes it's so bad you completely shut down because you get touched the wrong way.

From the ages of seven to eleven I was teased relentlessly by a girl my age and her older sister. I could do no right in their eyes; it didn’t matter how hard I tried to be passive or to impress them; their bullying was unappeasable. I eventually was able to remove myself from the situation by switching schools. A year or two later I was able to rebuild my confidence, and almost completely forget my traumatic past. Little did I know the deep-rooted issues that all of those years of bullying left me with.

Fast forward to my sophomore year of high school. My mental health began severely declining, as well as my body image. Meanwhile,my hormones were running rampant, flooding my brain with all kinds of fun ideas. This ended up being a toxic combo, because I didn't even have the confidence to take off someone else's clothes. I was a prisoner in my own mind and body. If a hand so much as grazed my stomach, I became totally catatonic. A battle was being waged between my natural desires and my unnatural and intrusive thoughts. I so badly wanted to be released from my personal hell.

Eventually I hit my rock bottom. My body image slowly started becoming my enemy and sex, its weapon of mass destruction. I couldn't fake it anymore. I was not okay and the euphoria of another person could no longer mask my pain. If ever I wanted to have a normal sex life, I needed to completely reset my brain. After years of on and off therapy, I was finally able to rebuild myself. Well mostly, I’d like to think that I’ve finally returned to a normal state of mind for a young adult. Although, there are still some days the constant unattainable perfection shoved down my throat makes it difficult for me to retain my sense of normalcy. 

While my self image is a continuously evolving beast, I’m careful to actually care for myself, and fervently monitor my negative habits. I closely watch how I eat, am cautious not fall through a grossly negligent rabbit hole. I latch myself onto empowering people who constantly remind me of my strength. And I've changed sex from a weapon to a tool of ultimate empowerment, and you should too. So before you try and develop a healthy sex life, seek first to develop healthy body image. 

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