Hey, it’s me. I know that my letters always made you nervous, but you know that never stopped me.
These are the things I’m not allowed to say anymore, because we agreed we wouldn’t. You always say that you were never very good at following rules; I guess I’m not, either.
I know that we’re ‘friends’ (or something like that) now…but honestly I hope you still feel the same way I do. Because I love you, I always will. I’m still in love with you. I’m not ready to let you go. I don’t want to, and honestly, I don’t feel like I can. I think about you everyday, and I miss you nearly every second. I miss the times we would talk on the phone every single night, or when I saw something that reminded me of you and I could text you about it. I miss the dumb little things we used to do. I miss being allowed to tell you how much I missed and loved you. I miss laughing with you, I even miss fighting with you; that’s how much I miss you.
And I know that if you’re reading this you’re thinking: “ I KNOOOW. Me, too. No shit. I’ve been dying over here without you. And it SUUUUCKKS. You know that all of this is circumstantial. If you were here, (or if I was there,) no doubt we would be together. But it is what it is, what can you do. We’ll both move on, it just takes time. You’ll be okay, alright? But either way, I’ll always care about you, and I’ll always pick up the phone when you call. But you know we both have to move on.”
I know this sounds ridiculous, but you’re one of my best friends. You’re the only person on this planet right now that I can tell everything to. You’re the only person I want to tell anything to. I need you, and without you everything has been so empty. Us calling once a month to essentially make sure the other is still alive, and to maintain our status of ‘friendship’ while tip-toeing around our “I miss yous” and “I love yous,” pains me more than anything; but I’ll take what I can get, because that’s how much I miss you.
I worry about you a lot. And I hate that I don’t get to know how you’re doing all the time, the little things that happened throughout your day, and feeling like I’m a part of it.
And this is the one thing I’ve never told you and never will: if you said you wanted to do long distance with me I wouldn’t have said no.
You know nearly everything about me; you know things about me before I even know them, so I really don’t know how you couldn’t have known this. But if you did, I really don’t know if it would have made a difference in your decision. And that sucks.
I know you, and I know that if you want something, you go for it. You’re not the type to take no for an answer, and it’s something that I love about you. I just wish you would have really wanted to be with me.
I know why we decided against it, and it probably would have never worked because nothing about it made sense. And I understand, and what we did was the right and mature thing to do, or whatever. But I thought what we had was really special–I still do. You’re my best friend-means the world to me-unconditional-forever-no matter what-knows me like nobody else-makes me happier than I ever thought I could be-I would do anything for kind of love. And I know that sounds f*cking naive as hell. And I know that we’re young, and someday I’ll probably meet someone else much better for me than than you ever were, and I won’t believe that I thought that you were, it. I’ll roll my eyes at my younger self that I thought you were the one for me, that I thought you were the real deal, that I thought I couldn’t let someone as special as you go. I hope that’s true; but I want you to know that’s only because we’re not together, and you were afraid, or unwilling, or whatever it was that made you say no to the idea, to try. I believed in us, I really, really did. I’m still heartbroken that you didn’t believe in us, too.
I’ll always wish that we could have been together because I think long distance would have been worth it for you and me. I know that the odds were against us, but I really think we would have made it. Because I still love you even now, and I would do anything for you. What we had was real, and it was worth it.
And I’ll always be hoping, and holding out a small part of my heart for you that we’ll run into each other again one day, and the timing will make sense, and we’ll be in the same place, and we’ll get to have the love we never got to fulfill. But at this point, us ever having a relationship, and being in love again is just a pipe dream, and believe me, I know that.
So, I’ll tell you that I hope you had a good day today, and that I hope you’re doing well. You know I’m always wishing you the best. (No “xo” because we’re friends. No heart emojis, either.)
Love and miss you always,
Em