What do you want?
A deceivingly complicated question.
A lot of the time, the answers to this question are simmering just underneath the surface. But, they never make it to the light of day, or rather, to someone else’s ears. Though I consider myself a strong independent woman, this simple question, metaphorically, brings me to my knees. Despite my own perceptions, growing up as a woman in America has instilled this systemic submissiveness — I have been trained to be a people pleaser. I struggle with understanding how to ask for what I want and/or need without it coming across as “bitchy.” I find myself following every declaration of what I want with “it’s up to you though” or “sorry” or “I don’t really care.” I’ve been conditioned to be apologetic.
So many women are plagued by forced societal expectations to be the ideal submissive woman, prescribed to be only a follower — never a leader — solely a bystander in even her own life. This sounds like a hellscape, but it’s the life that one signs up for in absence of being able to express what she desires. This imposed inability to speak up bleeds into every single aspect of a woman’s life from relationships to work.
For example, women are less likely to negotiate for higher salaries. According to the Harvard Business Review, there seems to be a social cost for negotiation that, unlike our pay, is higher for women than it is for men. But, on the flip side, when women negotiate for others, they are just as effective as male counterparts. This phenomenon underscores how women (unfortunately, correctly) believe that advocating for higher pay for themselves comes with “social” consequences: the idea that they are being elitist, entitled, greedy.
Complacency is simple. We justify the status quo to ourselves. We make it okay to have pathetic pay, inauthentic intimacy, thankless tasks. We allow ourselves to be less than we are, less than who we know we can be. However, as Huffington Post contributor Jenna Cho says, “I’m asking of you the same thing I’m asking myself. Value yourself. Ask for what you want.” This kind of thinking is what will change our culture.
There are some simple ways to begin this “what do I want” and “how do I ask for it” journey. For starters, imagining a loved one in the same situation can be incredibly helpful. For psychologically complex reasons, it can be easier to be compassionate and fierce to protect and help others than it is for ourselves. Answering the “what do you want” question from this perspective can help to identify what it really is that you are after, in addition to providing the built-in confidence that comes from advocating for another.
Another way to approach this question is the use of an “I-We” strategy, which you can learn more about here. This technique essentially detracts attention away from the perceived selfishness of a woman negotiating and realigns the focus to better the partnership that each party involved is entering into. This idea provides the framework to ask for what you want or need.
Lastly, the most straight forward but arguably the most difficult strategy is practice. Starting small helps. For example, the next time someone asks what you want for dinner, do not let your automatic response be “whatever you want.” Make a decision, stand by it, and be confident in it. From there, work your way up until you have the tools you need to create the life that you deserve, by answering honestly about what you want and having the grit, determination, and tools required to get you to wherever you want to go.
There doesn’t seem to be an easy way to go about asking for what you want. It takes courage and a certain level of fearlessness to put yourself out there. It is an effortful task to understand that individuals who love, value, and support you as a person will still be there even after you speak your mind. Simply put, I do not know how to ask for what I want, but I want to be — rather, I will be — the woman who walks into the room with ease and confidence and knows what she wants, and more importantly, how to ask for it and how to get it.