Maybe it’s the people I find myself with, but this semester has followed an interesting pattern. “I’m different, just you wait and see.” Well, I’m still waiting because after a week of promises and sweet moments, he was gone. After a few weeks of listening to Lizzo, waiting for notifications that never came, and a lot of angry tears, I realized that I had been ghosted. And as painful as it was to remember everything I was told and everything I went through, seeing him was worse. The way he would duck his head so we wouldn’t make eye contact, or walk away from me when I got close. I spent so much time asking myself (and others), what was wrong with me, what did I do? But this wasn’t me, this had nothing to do with me.
I say this has nothing to do with me because it’s not my job to be something I’m not or act to please another person. If the person you are interested in doesn’t enjoy who you are that isn’t on you. That’s on them. If they don’t have the courage to talk to you, then that’s on them as well. Being ghosted might be one of the most insulting ways to end a relationship, including the classic eighth grader move of dumping through text. It shows that even though you gave this person your time and feelings, they don’t care enough to tell you what’s going on. Alternatively, if they make the excuse that they “want to tell you what’s going on, but can’t”, then they are cowards. Immature cowards. No one deserves that kind of energy in their lives, I promise you.
I’ve noticed in every movie, show, book or actual occurrence of ghosting, that the victim always blames themselves. Unless they did something ridiculous like making dolls out of the person’s hair, it’s never their fault and yet the question always comes up. What did I do? Maybe I wrote this article because I needed to read this, but putting the blame on ourselves doesn’t help us move on. It doesn’t change what the person did. It makes us stuck, and blinds us to what is really going on.
I wish, at the ripe age of eighteen, I had answers when it comes to ghosting, but I have none. If I could write every answer to the questions I had from this experience I would. But I won’t ever understand why he couldn’t tell me, I won’t understand why the boy my friend was talking to for weeks just disappeared. I couldn’t tell you why they say they want something when they don’t.
But what I do know is that I acted how I wanted, I said what I thought I could, and he has no right to make me question myself. One lesson that we all need to learn for the rest of 2019 is to not to allow others to control our self esteem. The power that the people to whom we are attracted (physically or emotionally) is robust and static most days, and we tend hold their opinions of us higher than we hold our opinions of ourselves.
So, no, it isn’t your fault that he/she/they couldn’t see how amazing you are as a person. They lost a person who cared about them and you, well, you gained some time back. They won’t waste any more of it. They couldn’t be mature enough to come forward, or be brave enough to look you in the eye and say they wanted to end it. Do you really want someone like that in your life?