A few weeks ago I was asked by one of my dear friends if I wanted to go skydiving and pledge to “jump for joy.” Not really thinking about the intention of the jump, I delightedly agreed to receive this amazing gift and cross off a long time bucket list goal of going skydiving. As a natural adrenaline junky, I was ecstatic about the idea of the thrill I was going to receive, thinking about it solely on selfish terms as to how the jump would benefit and feel for me. Not really considering the divine purpose of why I was asked to do the jump.
It’s no surprise that Mental Illness Awareness Week happens to fall on Sunday, October 4th which is quickly approaching. Mental illness is something I have battled with, overcome, relapsed, been both a victim to and a survivor, have denied its presence or existence while also battling the demons that lie within my soul. On September 20, I hit a new low and experienced one of the darkest most tormented evenings of my life. I contemplated, planned and fantasized about the way in which I was going to end my existence that night.
While the overwhelming memories, triggers, and demons were howling at me I laid there on my bathroom floor thinking about the switchblade in my nightstand drawer. I don’t know why, but somewhere in the darkness of that tunnel, I thought to myself, “you have to call your closest loved ones and say goodbye.” At 2 in the morning on Sunday evening, I called my best friend that night to say the words I knew she would dread to hear. Was this a cry for help? Or a genuine goodbye? Or was it simply me surrendering to the Universe, to my loved ones and closest friends in a desperate plea to escape the waves of pain that crashed around me?
Whatever the reasoning, she woke up to my phone call, heard the desperate cries in my voice that I needed to be saved that night. She rushed over and held me in her arms while I cried and expressed my frustration with my brain. It made me feel as though I was being betrayed. Here I was meditating, exercising, going to therapy, receiving reiki healing, eating healthy, checking off all the boxes that “happy people” do, surrounded by an amazing support system and yet I still wanted a permanent escape from my existence.
The next day, I received a very concerned phone call from my big sister saying, “I refuse to bury my sister.” Those words sent chills down my spine. After some discussion, we both agreed that this was more than just a bad night. The constant roller coaster of experiencing extreme hypo-manic highs to the absolute lowest of lows. After some research, discussions with my therapist, we came to terms with the fact that I was potentially dealing with a mental illness known as Bipolar disorder. I felt an immense amount of relief and peace knowing that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, there were no blocks in my chakras but that I simply have a chemical imbalance. It shed a massive light on why my thoughts go to the avenues that they do. As well as why I behave in certain ways, and my actions follow suit.
When I reached this acceptance, I started to feel less exhausted from trying to be so happy and constantly optimistic and filled with joy 24/7. The truth is, life is fucking hard. It ebbs and it flows. The trick is, we need to face the negative emotion with self-compassionate thoughts, and feel them in all of their powerful magnitude. We need to respect them and mourn them without trying to move on to feeling happy as quickly as possible. Going from A to B without acknowledging and sitting with those monsters only buries them until they rear their ugly heads.
After my crisis event, I began reaching out to all different types of people within my support group. I was humbled by the amount of people who love me, and would do virtually anything to know that I was okay. There are people all around us, having the same human experience as we are who are silently suffering because they don’t know what to do or where to turn.
To the person who is silently suffering, questioning whether or not you are crazy, if you can even go on another day, or why you’re still breathing I want you to know that when I was thousands of feet off of the ground in a little puddle jumper airplane, I thought of you. I thought of you when the side of the plane door opened and the man strapped to my back said, “it’s time.” I thought of you when I made that back roll out of the plane and began free falling, every fiber, cell and ounce of my being sent you unconditional love.
While I was plummeting towards the earth at a hundred miles per hour I looked at you, I felt you and I sent a small little ounce of love and light into your beautiful heart. I know how deeply you have hurt, I know how badly you want to throw in the towel and give in. I want you to know that I’m sending you unconditional love, each and every day. I want you to know that you are beautiful, amazing and a magnet of light. You always have been and always will be.
To whoever needed to hear this message, I hope you felt the unconditional love pouring into your soul today and felt the collective vibration at a higher frequency. Me and my soul sisters jumped out of an airplane today so that all of you beautiful beings could feel imminent joy, even if it was only for a moment. We are on this planet together, having a collective human experience and my intention for today was so that you could feel an ounce of pure joy from me, to you.
When we get in our heads, in those dark tunnels, it can be near impossible to remember those moments, people and experiences that we are still living for. It is important to have daily, weekly, monthly and yearly rituals and activities that force us out of our heads and into our heart space. This is where we connect to our brothers and sisters and pour unconditional love. My soul sister that took me sky-diving after the jump said to me, “Newton’s third law is: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” So my darlings, make your actions count. BE BOLD. YOU ARE MEANT TO TAKE UP SPACE. Life is kind of like jumping out of a plane. With the right equipment, knowledge and trust, our chutes will guide us safely back down to earth. You feel less afraid because you know you’ll be safe and supported.