We see this statement on the internet a lot. In some Instagram reel or TikTok or tweet, someone will be advising their followers that “if he wanted to he would.” I understand the idea behind it; it’s meant to guide people away from settling for someone that isn’t right for them, who does too little for them. While that’s a noble quest, I think this sentiment is too much of a blanket statement.
It’s important to first look inwards if you’re repeating this mantra to yourself, hoping for your partner — or the person you hope to be your partner — to make a move or do something for you. If you’re saying, “if he wanted to he would,” but you aren’t making a move either, would you suppose that your inactivity is the same? Perhaps that person is thinking the same thing. After all, the burden of affection and action does not solely rest upon the other person’s shoulders, often the male counterpart of the relationship. I like to think that if you’re interested in someone, you’ll show it. I know that the fear of rejection can be strong, but if you expect someone to make a move for you or do something for you, you should also be willing to do the same for them.
This line of thinking does not apply to abusive relationships (verbal or physical), though. Using this statement as a hope that you’ll get the outcome you want from your relationship is not helpful. You will only fall victim to more pain, and abusive relationships aren’t entirely logical in themselves, so you can’t use conventional logic. And that’s another reason this saying rubs me the wrong way — it is so narrow in scope. Too many people in abusive relationships are already in pain and hearing sentiments like this can either reveal that their partner is not right for them or, maybe more likely, give them a false sense of hope that their partner will change.
I also take issue with this saying because it doesn’t apply to people suffering from mental illness, which happens to be a huge portion of the population on social media. Some people quite literally do not have the mental bandwidth to be the one to put in that effort all the time. And that’s okay. It’s vital that people know that they can take care of themselves without sacrificing their relationship. Sometimes that does end up happening, but other times someone may just need to take a beat and make time for themselves to heal. This shouldn’t be the sole determinant of a relationship’s success, rather the ability to communicate and understand your partner’s needs and mental space should take precedence.
The same goes for someone that you’ve just began to date. I’ve heard it said about potential dates that if he wanted to take you out, he’d do it. But quite honestly, that rhetoric excludes the possibility that he may just have other things going on and that you could also ask him out yourself. Granted, if he’s making absolutely no effort, maybe it’s just not the love match for you.
As much as it sucks to hear, not every person you’re interested in will be a love match and that is perfectly normal.
It’s also important to maintain healthy communication with your partner about what you can and can’t do for each other. If something changes, you can let them know and vice versa. A dip in mental health isn’t fun for anybody, so you should be gentle with yourself and your partner in handling it. This balance is likely to sway throughout your relationship, with one person taking on a little bit more than the other. If you aren’t happy in a relationship because you need more from them and your needs are consistently not being met, it’s likely not because your partner doesn’t want to. They just can’t mentally handle it, and there’s no way of knowing that until you’re in it.
Take care of yourself and don’t let social media rhetoric determine whether you should be with somebody.