I think we can say that we have all been dumped, but have you ever experienced being the “dumper”? I can’t tell you which is the worse feeling between them both, being the one that leaves, or the one that is being left. I would say both are equally hard, but from my experience, it’s harder to move on from someone when you are the one that walked away. Crazy right? Maybe not but maybe so; we as the dumpers receive a lot less support and a lot more crap. No matter your reason for why you left, it seems that when you are the one who walks away you become the villain of the whole story. It can be hard to seek forgiveness in the ones you hurt by leaving but it can be especially hard to find forgiveness within yourself. You see, when you are the one who has been hurt, people feel sorry for you, you are the victim, you are the person that gets the most ice cream and gratification. Not a lot of people realize that it can be extremely painful to walk away from a relationship or someone you love and that it’s not necessarily what you want, it’s more so that it’s for the better in the future. So how do we love ourselves for being the “bad guy”? This has been something I have learned along the way that I want to share.
Realizing that it’s ok to leave someone for ourselves
This was a pill that was really hard for me to swallow. Most of the time when you are leaving someone there is always a causation to the relationship ending or there is just simply someone else. What about leaving someone to find yourself? Sometimes relationships can eat us whole and make us forget who we were when we started in the beginning. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out why you are lost or confused or hurt in a relationship and at the end of the day, you know that it’s easier to find yourself when you are alone. There will be times in our lives where we do really selfish things in order to find our happiness, but sometimes it’s okay. Happiness can be hard to achieve, it can be hard to find, but we need to reassure ourselves that it’s okay to leave someone behind in the process of that. IF it’s meant to be, it WILL be.
Forgiving yourself, your ex, and the ones that gave you a cold shoulder
Breaking up with someone is like cleaning out your closet, at first you start off with your closet overflowing with clothes, but then when you come to the end of the chore and your floor is covered in shirts you don’t wear anymore, all your familiar shirts are gone and your closet needs to be filled again. Forgiveness is the hardest but most curable way to move on from your past. When you are the person who leaves, you might not only be cleaning out your ex-boyfriend, but you may be cleaning out their family, their friends, and other social things that you both did together. Through this process, you might never get those shirts back again or you just might find that some of those really old shirts still fit you perfectly. It’s important to forgive the ones who walked away from you when you were hurting. Some people do not understand the reasons you left because they weren’t in the relationship and you have to be understanding of the fact that others were involved in your love story as well. Their feelings are hurting and confused. If they choose to walk away from you like you are the villain, let them. The people who really count are the ones that will stay in your closet while you are figuring out what type of clothes you like to wear now. It’s okay to want to wear new things!
Taking time to do the things that you love
It’s easy to feel unworthy of happiness when you feel remorse for hurting someone else but you have to tell yourself that you deserve love too. In the process of breaking up or being the person who leaves, sometimes you don’t receive much support, so it’s good to do the things that bring you happiness and make you feel like you are worthy of such. BECAUSE YOU ARE.
Spending time Alone… Yes, you read this right.
Hear me out, most self-help reads will tell you to be as social as possible and this I find true to a certain extent. Right after leaving a past relationship I started dating right away and hanging out with people that I didn’t even really care for because I was so afraid of spending time alone and coming to terms with everything that had happened. This wore me out and ended up being really damaging on my emotional/mental health because I wasn’t fixing the problem, I was more so slapping a band-aid on it until it peeled off at any waking moment. You need to take time for yourself and feel what you need to feel, to think over your decisions and thoughts. Balance is key, keep your social life, but also keep designated time for you, that’s what being single is all about.
In the end, “villains” turn into villains for a reason, it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve love and forgiveness too.