When you think of the word “love,” you probably assume that it’s all roses and unicorns up in the clouds 24/7. Your whole world feels amazing whenever you’re with that certain someone. Their smell, their touch – everything about them just makes you the happiest person alive. You feel like you couldn’t be any happier than you already are and everything they do just is enough to make you head-over-heels in love. I, on the other hand, will probably never feel the same way that most people feel when they’re in love because of my interaction with others, the world, and most importantly, my mind.
I suffer from high-functioning anxiety, as well as depression and minor signs of PTSD. I struggle with properly functioning in a normal relationship without constantly worrying about how my significant other feels about me. I constantly fear that I am not enough and that I do not meet expectations that my significant other has of girls and that if he doesn’t feel satisfied with who I am, he is going to get tired of me and leave me. I assume everybody deals with those similar feelings once in awhile if they suspect that something is wrong in their relationship, but me? If I’m in a relationship, those thoughts run through my head every single day.
Anxiety in a relationship manifests as the fear of your partner getting sick of you and leaving you at any moment, or realizing that you’re not worth staying around. It’s the worry of not being good enough for your partner because they are the only reason behind any stability in your life at the moment. They mean everything to you, and you’ll do anything not to lose them. I am an extremely sensitive person who cares very deeply about whether I am loved or if people around me are getting the love that they deserve. (After all, I’m a Cancer and that’s we are known for). That being said, my anxiety perfectly explains my caring way too much about my significant other and making sure that they know that they are protected and loved, even when I’m pushing their boundaries.
During my senior year of high school, I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship where almost every day, I was belittled for the way I looked, acted, and even lived as a human being. I was constantly judged by my own boyfriend; he would be passive aggressive about how I wasn’t the type of girl he wanted and that he suggested that I should change so I could satisfy his needs. To this day, I still wonder to myself if I will ever meet a guy’s needs for a relationship, whether it’s the having the right type of sex, wearing the type of clothing that attracts him, the way I present myself to the world, the list goes on. That’s where my anxiety started to blossom, because even after we broke up, I would still have these thoughts with anyone I met. Thoughts like these may be ethically and morally unhealthy in a relationship, but that doesn’t get rid of my fears.
Fast forward to the beginning of this year, I met this guy at a concert and from the moment we first met, he was instantly attracted to me. I was genuinely shocked because I never came across a man like this before. I was scared of the expectations that the relationship would come with. When he asked for my number, I vaguely remember rolling my eyes and giving it to him because I assumed he was going to casually forget who I was the next day like most people do. However, he texted me saying he wanted to see me again and after our first date and spending the night together, I fell in love.
All over again. It was the type of love where I didn’t have to worry whether or not he wanted to see me again. He was always right by my side, even through my worst moments. For once, it was the kind of love that “normal” people feel. It was like the universe was telling me that it was my turn to be truly happy. Unfortunately, the unicorns and roses in the clouds didn’t last long. Soon, I would start freaking out and having random anxiety attacks throughout the day because I was absolutely terrified that my boyfriend, who I truly loved, would one day realize that I wasn’t good enough and that he would leave. I would call him every day just to hear his voice because I thought I would be able to tell by the tone of his voice whether he still loved me or not. I was so focused on these irrational fears that I didn’t give time for our relationship to actually blossom into something beautiful.
Eventually, once and for all, anxiety won the battle and our relationship fell apart. The whole rest of the summer, there would be times where I would sit in my room or my car and just cry all day. Cry about how I wasn’t good enough for not just my boyfriend, but also for anyone else who entered my life. The anxiety of being in love was seriously affecting my life, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Typically when you’re in love, you think everything is perfect and will last forever, but you’re not expecting the worst that could come at any second. With anxiety, you’re bound to be overly careful with your feelings and how others may treat you. Anxiety is, unfortunately, the biggest core in my formation of relationships, and no matter how much you trust the other person, there’s always the fear of what the future holds. Having anxiety on either side of a relationship is the hardest obstacle you have to go through if you want it to grow. Anxiety isn’t just a minor issue that can be overlooked and dealt with later, like figuring out who will pay for dinner that night. It eats you alive and can take away your sanity and soul for a very long time. Please handle it delicately and do nothing but give your partner an endless supply of love, because, in the end, you can still make a girl with high-functioning anxiety the happiest girl in the world.