I lean on the counter staring out the window. It’s sunny.
There’s still hope.
The bullies still bully. Whisper behind your back. They gawk at your height, make fun of the things that make you you. Things you can’t change.
But it doesn’t matter there’s still hope.
Friends come and go. Some move to distant lands others are still next door but only call when they want something from you not because they want you. Things get harder…things you never could imagine life without disappear — your favorite blanket, your dog, your loved ones…your religion.
But there is still hope.
I look in the mirror and question if I the person staring back is really me. I don’t remember her. When did she grow up? I change things. Clothes, makeup, hair color, but the change never lasts. I’m still me. Whatever that means.
Hope.
I think of all the possibilities there are — the happy ones. The good morning kisses, backyards full of kids laughter, snuggles on airplanes to tropical lands. The thoughts are endless. But there’s always a flip side. Loneliness, death, no one attending your funeral. Thousands at your funeral but none of them ever truly new you. The thoughts are endless. Everything is endless.
Is there still hope?
Most days are okay. Lunches with my best friend are great. But I still worry she’ll judge me if she learns the truth. We fall slowly. I want to text her to call her to tell her I love her. But she hasn’t replied to my last text, so she’s probably busy. I understand.
What is hope?
Maybe it’s too late for me. Maybe all I can do is to try and help others. That probably all I ever could do. Sit be quiet and listen. Don’t make waves. Don’t cause a storm. Keep the peace. Smile.
Others hope.
I walk into rooms full of people full of stories. Does my story matter? I talk, say hi, smile but what would they think if they really knew me. I go for a drive with a stranger. Tell them things I never told anyone. They tell me their past, their hopes. Friends. Late nights full of things I never thought I would be able to say out loud.
There’s still hope. I sit on a bed. Emotions run through my body. I stare at a computer screen.
There will always be hope.
Crisis Hotlines
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Statewide/Salt Lake County Crisis Line: 801-587-3000
Utah County Crisis Line: 801-691-5433
Wasatch Mental Health Crisis Line: 801-373-7393
Trevor Project Hotline for LGBTQ teens: 1-866-488-7386
Online Resources
NAMI Utah: namiut.org
County Crisis Lines: https://www.namiut.org/families-caregivers/suicide-prevention
Utah Chapter-American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: afsputah.com
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Safe UT: https://safeut.med.utah.edu