There’s a fine line between “just friends” and more than, and sometimes it isn’t all that clear where you stand, but we all know that “almost” is the worst place to be. Before I met my boyfriend, I was trapped in an endless cycle of non-boyfriends where my emotions were tried, tested, and completely overworked. Some of my guy friends with would test the boundaries of romance, and though these weren’t “official” instances of dating, let me tell you firsthand how much they hurt.
When you’re in an almost relationship, it can be easy to jump the gun. When someone who is close to you makes the move into new territory, you’ll probably assume they thought it through and are trying to say that they’re interested in dating you, otherwise they wouldn’t risk the friendship. This mindset can cause you to (surprise, surprise) get your hopes up and start thinking of the possibility of the two of you as a couple. However, in my experience, assumption hurts. Neither person is willing to be open about what they want, so you’re both likely to have different ideas of what’s going on—and you’ll be all the more likely to get hurt because of it.
The last and most painful experience I had with an almost-boyfriend was with a guy who, at the time, was one of my best friends. We were together almost every day and told each other everything, so when he made a move, I can’t say I was surprised. After that, being with him was something I just assumed would happen, but I was too shy to bring it up and decided to wait for him to say something. So this flirty back and forth kept on until finally he said, “I like you, but I don’t want to date you” and called me “a practice run” and “convenient.” Ouch. But what hurt even more was the lack of understanding I received.
Because he wasn’t my “official” boyfriend, others didn’t understand why I was so upset. They didn’t see how much I’d cared about him; they couldn’t have known how hard it was to open up to someone and be vulnerable only to be rejected. They weren’t there all of the nights I stayed up late with him talking about anything and everything. They didn’t realize how much it hurt to have someone who told me he cared about me and who was a huge part of my life for a significant amount of time treat me as a tool for his own selfish curiosities. To them, because we weren’t defined as boyfriend and girlfriend with matching profile pictures and declarations of love in Facebook statuses, we were nothing.
When my friends would have relationship troubles or breakups, I’d try to sympathize and would be met with, “That’s easy for you to say—you’ve never had your heart broken.” But I had. “It’s different when you’re in a relationship,” they’d say. But how? Broken trust is broken trust, no matter the status of the relationship behind it. Disappointment is disappointment no matter how public it is. No, I didn’t have to change my Facebook status to ‘single’ afterward, but I did have to reevaluate who I was without this person I’d come to depend on. I had to face every guy that came after him with the words “convenient” and “practice” floating around in my brain. I had to deal with feelings of naivety, insufficiency, and self-doubt, and I had to actively put myself back together, all while being told I had no reason to be upset in the first place.
It took time and patience to get to where I am today, but after a long road of feeling naïve and helpless, I can attest that almost-relationships can feel as real and devastating as official ones, and it isn’t wrong to feel heartbroken when someone you cared for and trusted doesn’t feel the same way about you. When it comes to love and heartbreak, there shouldn’t be rules to dictate how you should or should not be feeling; you should feel and think authentically without having to worry about being called stupid or immature because of it.
Almost-relationships may not be considered official, but the missed expectations, disappointment, and half-dialed phone calls are. The time spent crying and wanting and wishing for him to say sorry and come back isn’t immature, isn’t naïve, and deserves as much respect and care as the feelings of those who suffered Facebook-official breakups. “Almost” may be devastating, but you can make it easier by giving your heart the respect it deserves and letting yourself feel the end of your almost-relationship. Without my almost-relationship, I would have never become who I am today. It may not have been official, but that doesnt mean that it wasn’t real.