I clung to Tallen as his motorcycle growled up the canyon. Spots of crimson, orange, and gold peaked around each corner as fall invaded the mountains. His ebony hair matched the color of the dark road we crawled up. I watched as the wind peacefully weaved through his hair. Every muscle in my body tensed, all I wanted was to take the helmet off that he gave me and force him to wear it. My natural instinct: to protect him. I knew he wouldn’t let me so I wrapped my arms around his waist tighter.
My fingers traced along his chest, exploring the ridges of his muscle. I never thought the day would come when I would meet the man that could make the ghost of my ex disappear, who could sooth my anxiety out of my head and push it into the night sky, the man who could make my entire body quiver by his touch.
You know how in autumn when the golden leaves
Make breathing a little easier and living a little calmer
And the cool air makes the hair on your arms stand up
That is how you make me feel
And it is both beautiful and terrifying
– Hannah Wilhelmsen
As we leaned with the motorcycle around each bend, the only fear that captivated me was, what if he wasn’t real? Real in the sense that he wouldn’t disappear. I’ve never experienced a man who cares about me as much as I care about them. I was so used to being, The Giving Tree from the Children’s book. The tree that stood there, giving the boy whatever they needed until there was nothing left.
The motorcycle let out a couple last sighs, as Tallen parked it in the closest parking space, then turned the key, cutting the life from it.
“How’s my hair?” I asked, pulling the black helmet off.
“It looks way better than mine, I’m sure,” he said, trying to brush his hair down with his fingers.
“I think we look great,” I said, releasing my hair from the elastic band and shaking it out.
He smiled, adjusting his backpack. “Ready?”
I took his hand and followed him up the trail. “So, I know I look athletic,” I said, “but don’t let my long legs fool you. How long is this hike?” My stomach tightened as he started to lead me away from the trail.
“Excuse me, Indiana Jones. Where the hell are you taking me?” I asked.
“It’s a surprise,” he said, winking at me.
“If you are taking me somewhere where no one will hear my screams could you just do me a solid and tell me now?” I asked, hearing the fallen leaves crunch under my feet.
He just simply laughed and kept walking in between the tall aspen trees. Sometimes I wondered if he actually thought I was funny, or just enjoyed making me feel good about myself. I mean, I thought I was funny. Usually, I always went after the guy with the dominant personality, but Tallen’s personality was like a lake at sunrise.
I look down when I walk, but I’m not scared of meeting eyes
No, I like the way my shoes look next to the fallen leaves
You see, I cling to constants because things keep shifting
Before I met you I was doing fine, but then you came
And you turned the kaleidoscope in my mind
I don’t know what I’m feeling, but what I do know is
I like the way my shoes look next to the fallen leaves
– Hannah Wilhelmsen
Tallen slowed to a stop and turned around to look at me. “This should be good,” he said, sliding his backpack off and removing his shirt.
“I mean, I’m not saying I’m opposed, but are you sure no one will see us?” I asked, as I started to remove my top.
He placed his hands on my hips, “Your shirt stays on unfortunately.”
I watched as he un-zipped his backpack and pulled out a paint set and a paintbrush, then handed them to me.
“If we want a flat canvas then I should definitely take my shirt off.” I said, laughing at my own joke.
“You’re painting my back, silly girl.” He said, kissing my face softly before turning around.
“You realize your back is my favorite part of your body, right? I said, dipping the paintbrush in my water bottle.
He laughed slyly, “I’m pretty sure there is something you like more on my body.”
I rolled my eyes, and dragged the wet brush down his spine. “You think you’re funny, don’t you?”
His body tensed at the touch of the brush, revealing his back muscles.
The thing about love is that when it is strong it makes you weak
Vulnerable, exposed, naked, and defenseless
Giving all of my love to him made me think I was getting the same in return
Salt looks an awful lot like sugar, though, and mistaking pain for love is fatal
But honey drips from your lips in the shape of my name
And I have never tasted anything so sweet
– Hannah Wilhelmsen
As I painted, the fear of him disappearing slowly left after each colorful stroke. Every part of me wanted to be his, even if things burned, leaving me alone and broken. I realized I didn’t need him, the way I thought I needed the other men in my past. I wanted him. I wanted to know the stories that created and shaped his opinions, attitude, and personality. I wanted to be able to take a quick look at his face and know exactly what he was thinking. I wanted to know him, to be with him.
Never have brown eyes reminded me so much of home
Never has a voice felt so much like a fireplace in late autumn
Never did I think I would let myself fall and not be afraid
That you wouldn’t catch me, that you wouldn’t leave
I am not afraid; you make me not afraid
– Hannah Wilhelmsen
I felt his hand, drag up my leg as if to say, come closer. I stepped toward him, and leaned over his shoulder so I could see his face. His dark eyes peered down at me. “Hey, you. How’s it looking?”
“Quite promising, actually.”