It’s midnight, and you’re sobbing into a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Brownie ice cream. Legally Blonde is playing in the background, but you can’t seem to laugh at the funny parts. You’ve stopped listening to music, because you’re too terrified of hearing your song and spiraling into a sad, sad state of nostalgia. You’ve deleted half of the pictures on your camera roll, and changed your profile picture on Facebook. This breakup is rough like no breakup you’ve ever had, but… no boys are involved.
This is a best-friend-breakup, and it’s hardly any wonder that these losses hit us so hard.
According to The Centre for Studies on Human Stress, female friendships are crucial to women’s mental, physical, and emotional health. Maintaining an enjoyable relationship with your best lady friend releases oxytocin, a hormone that helps your brain deal with stress, and produces a calming, blissful effect.
But, what happens when these friendships go awry? Ending the cycle of making and breaking toxic female friendships might feel like an elusive, mysterious task, but recognizing the signs of a friendship that’s better off over, and understanding how to cope with the loss of a girl you thought would be planning your bachelorette party and telling your future children to call her “auntie” is the first step.
Psychology Today explains that the signs of an unhealthy friendship typically manifest themselves over time. Such “red flags” include disproportionate ratios of giving and receiving effort, ill-intended teasing, untrustworthiness, unwarranted disapproval of your spouse or loved ones. When you’ve spent months or years developing a seemingly unbreakable bond with your friend, it becomes difficult to recognize the warning signs and make the decision to break the vows of your “we’ll be best friends forever” pinky swear.
Whether you part ways after a tearful conversation or an eruption of arguments, it’s likely that you’ll experience both torrents of relief and disappointment. At this point, it’s crucial to acknowledge the difference between an abusive friendship and a one-time squabble. Jenn Berman, a PhD in Psychology explains that a truly “toxic” friend makes you “feel bad about yourself instead of good,” “tends to be critical of you,” and “drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally.” If this sounds like the way that your best friend makes you feel, then it may be best to steer clear for good.
After you’ve both shared a photo on Facebook that’s captioned, “Don’t Be Afraid To Cut Toxic People Out Of Your Life,” you might begin to wonder what hallucinogenic substance your friend just snorted that has caused her to be under the impression that you are the one who poisoned the friendship. While it is tempting to externalize the pain that you feel, healing comes around much more quickly once you come to terms with the fact that it may not be so simple. Make no mistake: sometimes, people can be just plain vicious, and may not have your best interest in mind. However, some best-friend-breakups are the product of more complicated situations, like a lack of compatibility, a change in lifestyle, or a misunderstanding.
Regardless of the cause of your split, it is likely that your heart will hurt in ways it never has before. When you break up with a boy, your best friend is waiting nearby with a shoulder to cry on and reassurance that you are not alone. When you break up with your best friend, it’s difficult to know where to turn.
Still, as life goes on, there comes a time when you’re able to reminisce about the happy experiences that you shared, while simultaneously acknowledging that spending more time apart is what is healthiest for you both. New, healthy friendships are developed, and self-care becomes a top priority.
You loved your best friend more than anything, but sometimes, it’s crucial to prioritize another special girl that deserves all the care and attention you’ve got: yourself.