I have been told time and time again that love is blind. And it was only when I found myself stumbling in the dark world of puppy love, thinking my ex would be the only man I’d ever love again, that I truly understood how very real that sentiment was. There is a poem I love, perhaps even more deeply than my last boyfriend, and in it, a line reads, “There is a world of difference between making love, and being made by it.”
And in case you aren’t well-versed in obscure romantic poetry, I’d like to think this translates into a rather simple statement of the two loves we will experience in our lifetime. One being the loves we will build and work for, and those loves that consume us in a way we could never expect. And with that, I also believe that there is a world of difference between loving the idea of someone, and actually loving the person in front of you.
Unfortunately, these two loves are difficult to distinguish between. But after being loved as a person for one year, and as an idea for another. I’d like to think of myself as my own sort of expert. So, without further ado here are ten signs your partner might only love the idea of you.
1. Most of your conversations are about your relationship
Whether it’s in-person, or over text, your conversations are only comprised of I love you’s, I miss you’s, or worse, you’re 20 minutes deep into things that are wrong with your relationship. They never seem to bring up conversation topics such as your mutual love for the newest Stranger Things episode, Trump’s recent scandal, or why their roommate Natalie is being a bitch this week. They only want to talk about how much they “love you,” or “how much you mean to them,” or other mindless romantic sentiments. Not saying those things aren’t nice to hear, but they shouldn’t be the epicenter of your conversations as a couple. People don’t say that “you should date your best friend,” for nothing. If they aren’t talking to you like you’re their best friend, they may not be as in love with you as they may lead on.
2. They don’t take an interest in your passions
If your partner is not your #1 fan, they aren’t the one. If you’re a singer, they should be sitting front row at every open mic night. If you’re an athlete, they should cheer you on like you’re Michael f*cking Jordan scoring the game-winning point. If you’re a raging feminist, they should be staring in awe as you spout off sound bites from Roxanne Gay’s latest op-ed. Simply put: they should give a shit about things you like, simply because they give a shit about you. Sure, they don’t have to be fluent in Susan B. Anthony quotes, but your passions should absolutely be one of their favorite things about you. And if they really care, they’ll dedicate time to your interests, regardless if they prefer Marvel movies, over your obscure indie love films.
3. They don’t fight with you
There’s a common misconception that in no fighting is a clear sign of a healthy relationship. But as one of my favorite Lumineers’ songs would say, the opposite of love is not anger—it’s indifference. If they don’t make the effort to bring up their concerns, or tell you when you’ve done something to upset you, they either have an unhealthy apathy towards your relationship, or are blindly obsessed with you. And quite honestly, I’m not sure which one is worse. If you’re acting like a shitty person, and they don’t bat an eye, it’s time to get out. Someone who actually cares about you as an individual won’t be afraid to call you out when you’re falling short, because they’ll want you to be the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Find someone that challenges you, and pushes you, not someone that worships your minimal effort.
4. Their compliments are generic
The compliments they give you could be copy-pasted from any artsy f**kboy’s Tumblr page. They won’t compliment your talents, your strange personality quirks, or things that make you, you. Instead, they’ll resort to clichés like “you’re beautiful,” or “I’d be lost without you”—things that could be about really anyone.
5. If things get bad, they want out.
When someone agrees to date you, they’re signing up for the ups AND downs, not just the good stuff (sorry, no exceptions). If they only love the idea of you, you’ll find that they’ll have a hard time accepting your flaws and the low points in your life, because they’ve glamourized the idea of you so severely, they’ll forget you’re a human who has bad days, and makes mistakes. Someone who truly loves you would pick a day of fighting with you, and dealing with your drama over a day without you, every single time.
6. If you two break-up, they’ll move on without a second thought.
When you are deeply in love with someone, moving on won’t be easy. And if they were only in love with the idea of you, anyone will be able to fill the spot of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” It’s likely that the people who only love the idea of us will jump into another relationship without hesitating, because you’re only a placeholder for their dream person, their real person. Sure, they might tell you they “miss you” from time to time, but they really don’t miss you; they just miss being in love. They don’t miss the way you have to listen to music before you sleep. They don’t miss your crooked smile. They don’t miss the way you pick out all the red skittles. They only miss having someone to pay attention to them—and newsflash, you’re not on object to be desired, but a person to be adored.
The words “I love you,” are three are some of the most powerful, and potentially dangerous words I have ever known. And while it’s one of my favorite phrases to hear, my two past relationships have been a bright, flashing “proceed with caution” sign, to never fully trust these three words, again. But instead, cling tightly to the five words of “actions speak louder than words.” People who are really in love with you, will show you that they adore you, not just tell you about it. So while love may be beautiful, not all love is created equally, and not all kinds of love are the kind you deserve.
Photo sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6