An Expert's Guide to Procrastination

Ever find yourself struggling to start an assignment? Ever struggle thinking of things to do instead of your assignment? Have no fear, because you have just found the 100% fool-proof guide to procrastination. 

 

Call every family member (even ones that you never talk to) and talk to them about life.

They always want you to talk to them- so what better time than the present? They won’t be around forever! Seize the day! Call them up- did your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings not answer? Don’t worry! Try your cousin that you haven’t spoken with since the great easter egg hunt of the twentieth century (when you were still in diapers). I’m sure you all have a lot to catch up on! Is your due date within the next twelve hours? You should probably skip the basic “how-are-you-what-are-you-doing” questions and begin with “Where do you think your life’s purpose is?” or even “What is your biggest regret in life?”. This will milk the most amount of time out of your precious conversation with your loved one.

Clean and Organize EVERYTHING ( even offer to clean your friend’s room)!

Begin this step by pulling out every article of clothing from all your drawers and your closet. When was the last time you cleaned it out? Oh, last semester’s finals week? Don’t worry, you can still go through it. It’s pertinent to try on every piece of clothing to make sure that it fits, it’s stylish, and you like it. Put all the clothes you don’t like in a garbage bag and tell yourself you will donate them to charity (even though we both know you’ll ultimately leave the bags stuffed under your bed at least until the end of the semester). Next, dust, clorox, sweep, and scrub everything until it’s spotless. When was the last time you replaced your air filters? If you get mold in your lungs all your studying will be for nothing. You’re doing yourself a favor.  Upon completing the those tasks ask yourself- was that too quick? If so, offer to clean a friend’s room. Not only will you earn brownie points for being an awesome friend, but you’ll also successfully waste more time. Cleanliness is next to godliness.  Why not go grab food after this? You and your friend need to catch up. Anyways, college is much more about the relationships you develop- education is just a nice bonus.

Go exercise (because you value your health so much).

When was the last time you went for a run or spent some time on the elliptical? If you can’t remember you should probably go right now. Health should be number one. You don’t want to be one of those people who stress so much about school that you forget to take care of yourself. Do you even know where the campus recreation center is? If not, don’t bother looking it up. Life is about the journey not the destination. It will just take a few extra minutes to get there.

Tweeze your eyebrows back to the early 2000s.

Oh goodness, have you looked in the mirror? Your eyebrows are out of control. You should probably get a handle on that. If you only have a few hairs gone wild consider a new eyebrow shape.  I suggest going for the Paris Hilton circa 2001 eyebrow look. This pencil thin shape will take a while to achieve, however it is worth it. You should probably buy some jogging pants with the word CUTE on the butt to match.

Pick up the instrument you haven't played since 6th grade band.

Pop on that 10 year old reed, and give your clarinet some love. Pull out your old music books, and pretend like you know what you’re doing. Aim for not stopping until you are as good Benny Goodman or Glenn Miller, but feel free to stop once you are as good a Squidward. Search craigslist to see if any local bands are looking for a clarinet player. That could be your big shot.

Look up high school teachers on facebook and consider friending them.

Remember how great that class was? Good grief, those were the good ole days. You didn’t have to study.You never had homework. Coach GenericLastName just sat back at his desk and watched football clips. What a great teacher. He really helped shape your career as a professional procrastinator. Wouldn’t you love to follow his life from now on? Click on his profile, but quickly reconsider sending a friend request when you see that his profile picture is a mirror selfie and that his last 5 status updates were political rants. Sometimes it’s best to not tarnish good memories.

Research a place you would like to visit and plan your trip down to the ticket price and flight times.

Anywhere but here. How far can your GPA follow you? Probably not into the deep jungle. You’ve watched roughly six episodes of naked and afraid. You know not to drink stagnant water or rely on a magnifying glass in order to survive. In order to boost your PSR (primitive survival rating), research poisonous plants in the area so you know what leaves to avoid when scavenging for toilet paper. The next plane leaves in three hours, you only need a one way ticket so it would cost $885. Escape while you can!

Check your bank account to see if you could swing said trip.

You can’t. You only have $9.63 left in your account. Why did you treat yourself last month? And everyday since then? Why did you get a specialty hamburger instead of ordering off the value menu?! Stop acting like a Rockefeller. On a separate, unrelated note- I bet I could find a cute shirt at Forever21 for around $9.63.

Contemplate if college is really worth it- perhaps look up success stories online of people who didn't graduate college.

Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Rachael Ray to name a few. Is college really necessary? Perhaps, you’re actually helping yourself out by dropping out and pursuing your passions. You would have so much free time to accomplish your dreams! You could start a tech company, launch a cooking career, or even watch every single show available on netflix while sleeping in your childhood twin bed! Success is in the eye of the beholder, that’s a saying right?

Cry and make peace with your higher power and hope they grant you abilities to ace this test  because now it’s 20 minutes before class. 

Dear God, I’m sorry for sleeping in every Sunday since the beginning of college. If the Holy Spirit moves my pencil to bubble in the right answers on the scantron, I will join the church choir, I promise. I’m going to trust in you and lean not on my own understanding of this course and hope that you know Mass Communication Law and Ethics better than I do. I’m going to let go and let you take this test for me. Amen.