The Heartbreak Holiday: Feelings Don't Take A Vacation

How do you stop yourself from thinking about someone you can’t stop thinking about? Well, when you end things with someone, it’s kind of what you are supposed to do; and let me tell you, it's no easy task. I am the girl that got her heartbroken by (plot twist) someone she didn’t even date. And honestly, there are no easy outs when it comes to heartbreak.

When you’re young like me, everything is the end of the world. Yes, I know I can be dramatic, but I'm a hopeless romantic. It's probably from all the romantic comedies I watch. I can't help it that I want my life to be like a cheesy teen movie. Yeah, those movies get me every time.

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However, during a point in every rom-com, there’s conflict before the resolution or happy ending. Typically the characters are feeling something almost everyone can relate to: heartbreak. Currently, I am trying to figure out how to maneuver my very first heartbreak. It was a high school relationship, actually more of a semi-relationship. I was on and off with this guy for about a year, but we were never exclusive. He wanted to keep it more casual since we both were leaving for college soon. At first, I was cool with it; there were really good times, but there were also some notable difficult times.

I never spoke up and told him what I needed. Now, I find communication to be a crucial part of any kind of relationship, romantic or not. I would always let his actions roll off my back. I never let the getting left on delivered, the one-word responses, the getting ghosted every-other-week get to me. But I should have.

When we like someone, nothing and no one will get in our way of being with that person. My friends would tell me to stop talking to him. Even my instincts would say to drop him sometimes, but I would never listen. I liked him so much. I’m sure most people can relate to this. And then, when things started getting more serious, it was even harder to walk away, and the feeling of being left was paralyzing. After giving away so much, how could it not? My time, my patience, my virginity were all things I gave to this guy who I cared deeply about but was always unsure how he felt.

Girl with cup of tea and the book To All the Boys I've Loved Before Original photo by McKenzie Muskett

After a period of waiting and wondering, I let my guard down. I just started having fun and ignored my growing feelings. I tried playing it cool like him. After a few months of good times spent together, I was in for the worst time. The week before he was leaving for college is when my heart got a little heavier. All week I was thinking of what I was going to say to him and how I was going to let him walk away from me knowing it was going to be the last time, maybe ever. But, I never got the chance to say anything. He didn’t come to see me. He came up with every excuse not to come over after assuring me three times I would get to say goodbye. It was the day before he left when I decided to tell him how I felt. And it wasn’t anything like “I love you,” but I told him how he made me feel. How when he ignores me and stands me up and makes me feel as though I don’t matter hurts. I told him he was more to me than just a hookup and meant so much to me. I ended my speech by telling him I hope he finds someone in college to give all the love and attention I wanted from him, and most importantly, she gives it back to him. I truly, want to see him happy. But, he doesn’t feel the same.

The words he spoke, I will never forget. After pouring my heart out to him, he stabs it. He said, “Honestly, if that's how you feel, then so be it.” I will always hold onto the words “so be it” because those were the ones that hurt the most. The words that made my heart drop and my eyes swell with tears. He acted like he never had feelings for me. And yes, you can fake feelings, but I always felt his feelings were genuine. All the times he looked at me with those dark brown eyes. The times he would lay next to me while playing with my messy curly hair. When, after the first time we had sex, he told me how one day he would tell his future children about me. Those moments could not have been anything other than true feelings. And those are the moments I remember when I think of him. I remember the good because remembering the bad is too painful. I choose to remember laughing with him and touching him and being close to him because anything else hurts.

There’s a Taylor Swift song called "Death by a Thousand Cuts" I’ve been playing on repeat because of the accuracy it entails. In the song, this one line goes, “Tryna find a part of me that you didn’t touch. My body, my love, my trust (it’s death by a thousand cuts), but it wasn’t enough.” I scream-cry those lyrics because of how honest they are. Yes, this guy meant so much to me, but he is one person who did not see the greatness within me. If he thinks I’m not enough, so be it, I’ll find something, someone better that does see my value.

Girl holding Taylor Swift's Lover album. Photo by McKenzie Muskett

Realizing this, and coming to terms with it, was the hardest part of all. I had to learn how to live without him. And if I have learned anything in these past few weeks, it is that there there is no one-size-fits-all approach to getting over a broken heart. For me, it’s Taylor Swift’s most depressing songs, You’ve Got Mail on repeat, peppermint tea, and a lot of crying. For others, it might be getting mad, or keeping busy, or rebounding (that gets complicated for me, though).

Honestly, it’s been a struggle not being able to talk to the one person I want to talk to. However, I am learning to heal. Getting your heart broken is a tough thing to manage, but time is the only thing that will help you. One day, you’ll wake up, and it will hurt a little less. That’s the day I realized I deserve the happy ending I’ve been dreaming about.

A couple making a heart at sunset Photo by Mayur Gala from Unsplash