I have always had the idea that once you graduate high school you must immediately go to college, and from college to grad school, and after that you keep going. That’s how life works, right? My parents did it–college, grad school, and even med school. There were no breaks in-between because this is where life starts, and once it starts there’s no stopping because you’re an adult, right?
The thought of a gap-semester sounded like funeral bells in my mind, as if it would be the death of my formal education. As if I wasn’t smart enough to keep going. As if grabbing the cap and toga a few years too late was a sin. And as if seeing my former classmates graduate before me meant that I should be hurrying up to catch up to them. As these intrusive thoughts started getting more and more intense, I cracked. Easily speaking, I wasted approximately a year and a half of studies because I was sick and desperate for help, but I kept trying to study so I could prove to myself that I could balance both, but I never succeeded. I kept spiraling down, watching my GPA drop faster than my health, so I gave in.
My family was compassionate enough to offer every form of help I could get. I was fortunate enough to have this supportive background, as many people do not.
I left the island for six months. Austin became my new home. I worried constantly about the image people had about me and if it were ever possible for me to even show my face in Puerto Rico again. I was embarrassed for weeks, but then I let it go. It became clear to me that nobody was constantly judging me, and if they did, it wouldn’t matter, because I came back. Instead of a sob story, here is a list of the things I learned, and unlearned.
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I learned that the world isn’t going to be thinking about me 24/7 because people have other things going on in their lives.
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I learned to be alone with myself, which is something that would terrify me to the point where I’d need to leave the house every day.
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I learned to work out and, trust me on this one, it REALLY does take away some of that anger and anxiety.
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I learned that completing even the simplest task was an achievement, and it would encourage me little by little every day, ‘till this day.
However, these are just small fragments of the actual experience.
To conclude my story, and to begin my advice to you, I needed that break. I came back anxious but with new techniques to calm myself down. I deserved that break. I needed to rest. I rested from myself and from others.
Don’t feel embarrassed to take a break. It could be a semester, it could be a year. It could be all the time you need to get yourself back on your feet, but do not give up on your studies. You will feel alone sometimes, but you can learn to be alone. Do NOT put your studies before your health. Don’t EVER be ashamed of wanting to take a break. Go at your own speed. Take your time. There is no shame in not graduating with your high school class, which, in my opinion, is the worst guilt-trip inducing expression any parent could say to their child. This might be starting to sound repetitive, but taking a gap-semester has been one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. No, I’m not “entirely stable”, nor do I spread optimism like a beam of light. I’m at my own pace, I’m grounded, I’m here, and I’m definitely going to stay.
I’d like to end this with Puerto Rico’s own crisis hotline. If you or anyone you know may be in risk, do NOT hesitate and call. They’re there for a reason.
Crisis number: 1-800-981-0023