Being in love is, without a doubt, one of the best feelings that life offers us. We tend to feel light and happy. The problem is when we begin to think that being with someone is the only way we will be that happy. We even forget other sources that used to make us feel so happy long before entering into a relationship.
Let’s see, what would you do if your relationship ends? (You have to be realistic, relationships can end as they can not, that’s what relationships are for). If it ends, will you never be happy again? Will you beg that person to stay close to you when they have made it clear that they don’t want to do it anymore?
It’s difficult, I know, but the drama can be avoided. Before starting any relationship, you have to be sure that you are prepared. There are many ways to know if you are. For example, you need to understand and are aware that your partner is their own person and not your only source of entertainment, joy, love, or anything similar. You also know that you are ready when you love yourself first and know how to enjoy other things that life offers without suffocating in one. Avoiding creating dependence is very important for the good of your health and your partner’s.
On the other hand, never fall in love with another person’s needs. That’s the worst thing you could do because it’s the perfect root for a toxic relationship. There is nothing romantic or intriguing about another person’s vulnerability. It’s not only that you would be in a bad relationship, but it would also be terrible of you to make someone’s illness part of their personality. You would not be taking that person for who they are but for what you want to see.
In a poem by Pablo Neruda, “So you can hear me” (“Para que tú me oigas”), shows certain signs that his relationship with his beloved in the poem is not very healthy, to say. This poem was published in 1924, which means that the poet must have been about 18 years old when he wrote it. The love of the poem is a “desperate” and “passionate” one, and a mere “necessity.” I bring up Neruda’s case because he is known for his romantic style of writing, full of odes and metaphors– but that doesn’t mean that love is necessarily perfect in all his poems.
«Llanto de vieja bocas, sangre de viejas súplicas.
Ámame, compañera. No me abandones. Sígueme.
Sígueme, compañera, en esa ola de angustia.»
In English :
«Crying of old mouths, blood of old supplications.
Love me, mate. Do not leave me. Follow me
Follow me, partner, in that wave of anguish.»
The speaker begs his beloved not to leave, became he needs them to heal his sorrows. It is more as if, without the company of this other person, he would die. Dramatic, isn’t it? Well, after all, it’s a poem by Neruda, and part of the romantic style is to magnify all the feelings, but in real life, this is precisely what we should avoid. We have to avoid that need.
In conclusion, there is nothing romantic about the vulnerability of a person, nor the dependence that is created by another person. Neither is holding someone at your side when they no longer want to be there. Don’t sit down to wait for someone to take care of you, because water doesn’t boil just by looking at it. Take time to worry about yourself from time to time. The perfect relationship does not exist, but someone special in everyone’s life does; just be patient.
To learn more about toxic relationships, click here.