They say that, as humans, we tend to want the things we can’t have. For instance, when we were little we wanted to have ice cream for dinner. Of course, not knowing any better, we didn’t know that the sugary mess wasn’t exactly dinner food. Stubborn at last when your parents finally agreed to let you have ice cream, the big tummy ache you felt afterwards was enough to not do it again… but you did it anyway and probably still do sometimes.
This is the same situation as being friends with a crush. You really want to, but sometimes… maybe you shouldn’t, or should you?
There is no clear answer to the uncomfortable question “should you be friends with your crush?” In essence the clear answer should be yes, you should be friends FIRST with your crush or any possible interaction that has the intention of moving a step up. However, there are certain boundaries to set out after your crush decides she/he is not interested in you.
Although no party wants to admit it, once someone confesses how they feel and the other party doesn’t feel the same, there is a new dynamic in the “relationship” and it isn’t necessarily the best one. Throughout this process a fight or fight (yeah, they’re both fights) response starts to kick in. Do you “fight” to save your friendship or do you fight to conquer their love?
After a while between both fights… There is no clear winner. If you choose to fight for your friendship you hurt yourself because you officially accept defeat on possibly being with this person romantically. However, if you fight the 50/50 odds of that person changing their thoughts and thinking of you romantically there is a slim chance that you’ll come back victorious. At this point… I gave my script to my understudy so any mistakes made by him are not a clear representation of me.
Before you ask, yes… I did both. Of course, I fought (and still do) for the hope that this person will somehow come around and in true Taylor Swift fashion realizes (as cheesy as it may sound) that the one he has been looking for, has been here the whole time.
The reality is that going into war and expecting to not get hurt is very naive. Like I said in a previous article, when we decide to fall in love we take a leap with no guarantee of being caught in that trust fall. Getting into a deep friendship with someone you have feelings for sets you up for essentially the same feeling.
Being friends with a crush shouldn’t be hard. To a certain extent it hasn’t been as complicated as I maybe thought it would be. Having feelings, but also being terrified of being in a relationship set some sort of boundary for myself. It is also important to point out that my interaction with said person has always been a friendship first. While we have gone out on a series of “dates”, our dynamic has always been friendly-flirty and that’s something I’ve been able to deal with while being into him.
However when the idea of being with someone didn’t seem so scary anymore (we’ll talk about that in another article) all of my walls were down and it only took one look for me to spiral into someone who is both emotionally unavailable and a bit horrible on keeping records straight.
When deciding which battle to fight we must understand that at the end of the day, we should do the one which would benefit us the most. In my case, it has been such a long time since I felt something so genuine for someone while also being close friends with said individual, that choosing to do the whole war thing seemed like the best idea at the time.
Both fights come with the fragile responsibility of protecting both yourself and the friendship. If you don’t set any boundaries for yourself, it will only be a matter of time when all the collateral damage leaves you heartbroken, confused and with nothing to show for the time you invested in the situation. I once had a teacher tell me “It’s better to be good friends than troubled lovers”. Some crushes are meant to be platonic. Perhaps this could be another complicated lesson on the yellow brick road to love.
While some people are better at hiding their feelings for the sake of friendships than others, some need distance to properly heal; both sides of the equation are valid. That is why regardless of your decision, the quicker you set boundaries for yourself the better the interaction for both parties. The important thing is to understand and recognize that unless the other party says otherwise, everything they do is not a sign of interest for you. They just care for you, but as a friend. This has been a bit hard to accept, but once you do things will get a little easier (or so they say).
This whole experience has been an endless but eventful roller coaster. More than any feelings I could have for this young man, I’ve come to see him grow and become someone he truly feels proud of in a short time. While his growth and new confidence might be stuff I’m very attracted to, I’ve been happy with just being a part of it as a friend.
Even though I’ve seen him dance with other people and we’ve talked about other people we’ve dated, and most times I wish we would just kiss without any complications. However, I feel somewhat intrigued on how battling for both our friendship and the possibility of being in love has turned out to be. Has fighting the good fight been worth it? I still don’t know. For now, I think not knowing can be a great thing. After all… if you lose the battle, you could still win the war. #yonomequito