I had turned off my own light. I made myself smaller. I was distracted. I lost myself, delving into isolation and shifting away from the things I enjoyed doing, from the people I loved. I don’t know how it actually happened, or at what point in my life I allowed it to happen. But that’s just how it was. The Nicole who had a partner was so disconnected from herself that, even after all this time, I have a hard time believing I held on through it, despite all the damage it was causing me. Worst of all, I realized that it was my own decision. Nobody forced me to abandon myself. Instead, I let myself be carried away by my circumstances, plunging into an abyss that sucked up my essence. It was a gradual process, characterized by the slow decline and depletion of my personal energy. I stopped being mine in order to be his. And, throughout it all, I completely devoted myself to this person, because I simply refused to do things half heartedly.
And overnight, it stopped being like that. Once I found myself alone, trapped within the reality of solely having my own company, I rethought my entire life. Where are my friends? Why did they stop being my priority? Where is my family? Why have I stopped visiting them? What are my hobbies? Why am I not doing the activities that I once enjoyed? How do I feel when I find myself alone? Why am I afraid of merely finding my reflection? Why do I allow the circumstances of my past to continue affecting my present? What can I do to move forward? For a while, I spent my days stuck on a roller coaster of emotions that were as fluid and unpredictable as the wind.
This experience ultimately brought about several life lessons that made me realize what really matters in life. During the whole process, I lost and found myself in one of the most difficult moments of my life. The issue wasn’t just about navigating life alone. On top of that, family problems and insecurities were haunting my everyday life. But I sought help. I knew that as the self-sufficient, independent, and I-can-do-everything individual that I am, I had to allow myself to ask for help and be vulnerable from time to time. I found a therapist who eventually became my guardian angel, my light amidst the darkness. Even though I don’t usually open my wounds, perhaps to avoid showing weakness, I began to express my frustrations to my friends.
I, who believe that I am invincible, found myself reaching out to my friends and saying, “I need to talk to you.” And so, they listened to me and I began to heal. I started reading about breakups and what that process entails, only to realize that it made me stronger. I ran every day because I preferred to do so over staying home, wondering about what could have been. I had too much energy and that was the best way to consume it. Exercise truly helped meーI wanted the happy hormones and worked hard to get them.
I focused on myself. I put myself above everything else: I was first, second, and third. I reconnected with old friends. I went out on solo dates and stopped myself from wanting to control everything. I applied scientific principles to my daily life: Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it can only be transformed from one form to another. So, I decided to transform it for the better. I changed my mindset: the end of something does not imply the end of everything. I removed all limiting beliefs from my vocabulary, and allowed myself to cry because I knew I needed it to heal. “I am enough,” I said to myself every day. Socializing, on the other hand, soon became a non-negotiable task on my to-do list. Every week, I made plans to go out with different people. I stopped being constantly aware of his social media activity. I never stopped caring about him, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. But I knew that seeing him without having him hurt me. I bought new clothes: I decided that my change would start from within and would continue externally. I prioritized everything I wanted. My desires came before everything else.
It might sound like an easy task, but I’d be lying if I validated this claim. It wasn’t a fun journey, but it was real. Broken hearts heal, but it requires a special kind of willpower that few people understand. This whole breakup ordeal was a definitive grieving process, considering that part of me died. And, likewise, part of me resurrected once I overcame the adversity. But this is just my perspective. There is no perfect formula that’ll help you shine, and that’s completely fine.
If you are reading this, and you have a partner, please make sure you don’t lose yourself. Have a life of your own and love it as much as you love yourself. Embrace your identity and never lose sight of it. Your freedom should never be conditional on the person who is next to you. Don’t blame yourself for what you feel, and remember that the most important person in your life is right in front of your mirror.
If you are reading this, and you no longer have a partner, just let it be. It’s not bad that you still care about that person. Allow yourself to love again, whenever you are ready. But firstly, dedicate time to yourself. Change is scary, I know. Rediscover and open up yourself. It may take a while, but your time to shine will come. Let your light prevail: post-breakup glow up is real.