I’ve been told that friendships are meant to last a lifetime. However, I’ve come to realize, in recent events, that there’s a different “life span” for every friendship. I know that we’re not meant to get attached to one person, especially in friendships. But somehow we limit ourselves to a friendship we call: “best friend”. It’s nice to have that “safety net” to rely on when something happens, but having too many safety nets can feel overwhelming.
For example, which of the myriad of your safety nets will you fall into when you’re experiencing a tough or troubling moment? What happens when your biggest safety net is unstable? What do you do when a friendship is dying? Do you let it go, or do you simply… not? Or worse, what happens when the friendship you feel is “dying” is the one you share with a best friend?
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve always had problems letting go, and until recently, I was very resistant to change. Before the pandemic (I mean, we’re still in the middle of a global pandemic), I liked having control of everything that was around me, and of stuff I would be doing. Sooner or later I, of course, realized that life is just too unpredictable to keep that kind of control. At times, it’s extremely hard to rein in the control when unprecedented or unexpected situations pop up in our daily lives. In my case, when a close friend started to show signs of wanting to let go of our friendship… I had a lot of trouble letting go; and I decided to ignore all of the signs and try to keep the friendship going.
However, when my best friend presented the change or “downgrade” to just close friends, it hit me really hard. Was I being too much? Was there no trust anymore? What happened? How could I fix it?
At this moment, I realized various things. First, I learned that the world is so much bigger than a single person to share your life and struggles with. I felt hesitant to change or to “break up” because this person was the only one who knew basically everything about me. And that was a huge mistake on my part. He was, and still is, my only safety net outside of my family, and that had to change eventually. I realized I would never grow or flourish in any kind of relationship if I intentionally chose to limit myself to enjoying the trust, confidence and company of a single person. I have friends that have been there all along, and I’ve just been ignorant about it. There simply was comfort in knowing that someone could read me with a move of a finger, or at least I thought that was the dynamic. Recently there were moments where I was dealing with a lot and his silence answered a lot of things about what was going on. Instead of asking or caring… he just stayed distant, which brings me to my second point…
The signs were there, and I ignored them… and that turned out to be a huge problem for me. When I realized the change in behavior, the disinterest and the distance and for how long it had been going on, I felt completely naive. For months, it felt like I was the only party who considered us best friends, and that hurt. It shocked me to not be able to understand this first hand, and it hurt even more that the person took so long to verbalize what was happening.
Lastly, although I’m not a fan of labels, I’ve come to realize how they give meaning and boundaries for relationships, especially friendships. When “breaking up” and deciding to stay close friends, the other party mentioned that nothing had to change. If nothing had to change, why were we becoming just friends in the first place? What specifically did not have to change? Me, being supportive, caring 100% or him, just sending thumbs up when something happened? When deciding to “downgrade” to a close friends situation, the whole dynamic of the friendship was changing, whether we wanted it to or not. It almost felt like telling someone you want to be in a fully committed relationship without the “official partner” label. You want all the benefits without the actual commitment, and that was something I could not shake off.
At the end of the day, the change has turned out to be somewhat great for me. As I’ve mentioned before, I really am trying to focus on myself, and this problem did not allow for that to happen. Our “fallout” is not all his fault. I carry some blame in not communicating properly or being too “extra” and expecting a reciprocal treatment, as he mentioned. Although I was hesitant and I miss him, I feel that letting go turned out to be a great thing for both of us. At the beginning I felt indifferent (I almost wanted to stop our friendship altogether) but I’m glad I didn’t or at least, not yet. I don’t think I’ll ever see our friendship the same, because I do feel like my trust was shaken up. However, until I do otherwise, he’s one of my safety nets, and I hope to be one of his. I’ll always be there for him, within the limits I allow myself as a close friend, and I hope he will also be there for me if needed.