I believe it’s not a unique experience to have suffered at least one friendship breakup in a lifetime. Whether it’s a rift that happened suddenly or one that gradually increased over time, it tends to leave a void larger than any other romantic relationship could have. In a New York Times article, social psychologist Beverly Fehr explains how these breakups can leave an “unrecognized kind of grief” on either part. While some splits hurt more than others, there’s always one that lingers in your mind even years after they’ve gone.
As I was listening to Taylor Swift’s Evermore, like one does on a chilly Friday evening, an ever-reoccurring thought was prompted and ran through my mind: “Hey Dorothea, do you ever stop and think about me?”
It’s not the first time these thoughts have stopped me in my tracks and forced me to reminisce on a person no longer present in my story. Images of childhood laughter and careless fun become mere memories as I move throughout my day. I find myself asking “what if” questions that ultimately sadden my overall life experience. We keep asking ourselves how our lives would be if these friendships never ended. What would we talk about? What new things would we have experienced? Four years later, and I still have all these questions in the back of my mind.
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I don’t think I’ve ever sat and genuinely thought of how one gets over an ex-best friend. You’ve probably watched many shows and movies on the “how to” agenda regarding romantic breakups. The How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days method or even the classic main character monologue that makes you feel like this breakup won’t completely alter the course of your life. While I find these to be enlightening, they’re not helpful the moment a decade-long friendship suddenly ends.
Even though it’s all very relative, I can accompany you, reader, throughout this dire experience and how I got through it. Your own judgment shall decide if such explanations will be of help.
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First, you should allow yourself to grieve. The ending of a friendship can sometimes feel very abrupt, unexpected, or even consuming. For this, it is essential that you give yourself the space to sulk and mourn what once was. And remember that it’s okay! Grieving helps you validate and acknowledge your feelings as well as reflect on what once was. Sometimes it’s important to allow your mind to stop and feel, for however long you need, before attempting something else.
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Second, use this time to explore new aspects of yourself you never thought possible. While the obvious suggestion would be to try and meet new people, this is not always the best option for everyone. Even though it’s enlightening to find a new friend group that satisfies your interests, it’s also important to recognize what you can and cannot do by yourself. I’ve found that spending time alone has helped me discover qualities of myself I never knew, including finding new hobbies or interests to spend my time on. This also helped me discover what I would and would no longer accept in a friendship, which was eventually useful the moment others approached me. For example, I decided I would no longer sacrifice my perspectives or personality for the sake of keeping a friendship. Understanding this helped me expand my self-confidence as well, which is a win in my book.
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Third, and lastly, allow yourself to go through new experiences and people. Just like this person seemed to be everlasting, they also showed that they were just meant to be with us at a certain time. In this instance, they were temporary. Yet, your story continues, which means opening the door to new feelings, people, and experiences. Even though it can be difficult, this step is crucial to start to have closure with the situation. Remember, healing from the separation of an ex-best friend is not an easy task, and however you decide to deal with it, your mind shall accept it and will ultimately help establish how you’ll heal.